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My current state of mind. I’m freaking out that I’m f

LollyNews's picture

My current state of mind.

I’m freaking out that I’m fat. I’m 5’4 and 180 pounds. I have gone up and down the same 30 pounds let’s say for years.
And because I’m so short it makes a big difference in the way I look. I’m aware of how shallow people can be. And I feel freaked out right now because I want to make new friends and have a new life and I feel like I can’t do it until I lose weight because people just look at me as a fat lady or not interested or whatever. I really don’t know. ?
I just know from my experiences that I met someone at a higher weight and they weren’t interested. Then I met that same person again and they didn’t even recognize me and thought they were meeting me for the first time. And they were nice to me. People I would work with wouldn’t give me a second look and then all a sudden I am down 20 pounds and now their heads are turning. Now people are nicer to me. It’s freaking me out. I don’t want to get worked up and stressed out about it because that releases Cortisol.
it makes it worse.
And I know that once people get to know someone, that also makes a difference. I’m not this type of person. I don’t feel like I am. .
I know that a lot of people are shallow. And then once they get to know you, then you get fat, they sometimes don’t care anymore. But at first, people are very superficial.

I met a guy at the park a while back. Just so happens that every time I go, I don’t wear make up. Until one day, all I did was put on some eye make up and he commented on me being dolled up. To me, I looked exactly the same except I had on some eyeliner and mascara. It makes that much difference? He was more attentive and friendly. Gave me a hug and said he loved me. You know as a friend.
But it was different. So I know that going from 180 to 160 for example would make me look a lot more attractive and then it would be easier to make friends. And I just want to make new friends. It’s sad. It’s not that we have all these opportunities to make new friends right now in social settings.
We can’t even go to church. I don’t go to church but if I wanted to go I wouldn’t know where to go.

And I know, I could say.. screw what other people think. But I can’t say that because I’m too young and I’m all alone. I have to start a new life. So I am going to drop this weight. It just makes me sad. I wish everyone was able to see the inside of a person first. But that’s not how it works.
people see how you look first. They make snap judgments on that.

Now I am dressed up and ready to go out with my dogs. I am grateful that I’ve made progress and it will get better.

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LollyNews's picture
May 23

@gaiafawkes so true. I got disconnected from my happy place. My center. I did take two days to get back. Thanks so much for sharing that.
I feel so good today. And I’m going to try to remember one of my expressions I like.
—Easy does it.—
Take it easy. There’s no rush.
Focus on good thoughts after I pray and thank God for another day.
And…— One day at a time.—
The power is in the now. So I can choose to make good choices right now.

LollyNews's picture
May 23

@NCMom right. Happiness is an inside job for sure. A great post from @gaiafawkes And while we are all very unique and Divine individuals, we are also very similar which is a great thing. So we can understand each other. God is good.

LollyNews's picture
May 23

@Zach94 hi. Thank God today is a good day. I hope everyone gets outside today.


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