Hi, I don't even know where to start- I am 43, the heaviest

Hi, I don't even know where to start- I am 43, the heaviest (although this isn't the first time I've used those words- I just keep getting heavier) I've ever been. I am disgusted by the sight of myself, getting dressed each morning, because none of my clothing fits me anymore, is just debilitating to the point of not going into work some days- I am a workaholic, so this is a huge red flag to me. My father - so many things I love and admire about him- but, I have adopted his relationship with food. I am starting to see myself and mannerisms related to food just as he always has and that's embarrassing. I am embarrassed for my 13 year old daughter- I'm the fat mom. Here's the kicker- I am a psychotherapist and have been for 20+ years. I know all there is to know about how wickedly powerful the brain is- you are what you think... you are what you eat... logging food, portions, calories, points, weigh ins, no carbs, low carbs, no sugar, no soda- it's just relentless. I am an otherwise confident person. I love what I do for a living. I absolutely LOVE my daughter- but, apparently, I don't love myself enough to do anything different. I am a night/emotional eater and can relate to many people's stories I've read here. I am scared, alone, feeling defeated, worry that this is as good as it's going to get - and, I want more for my life. I want to feel good in my skin. My partner was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over a year ago and it's been a nightmare for all of us- I've gained 25 pounds (roughly) since her diagnosis, but 40 pounds in the last 2.5 years. I know nothing happens overnight- truly- I am not looking for some miracle cure, but I just needed a place to park how miserable, disappointed, and disheartened I am more than anything- so very embarrassed for myself and my daughter- geez, this was hard to write. Thank you for creating a space where one can do just that.

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[45]
Aug 13

@california3 - thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I've been on Synthroid for almost 20 years. I've had my levels checked recently and they're in "normal" range- but that's def a good suggestion, so that you for thinking to share it with me.

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[45]
Aug 13

@sallytht thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me. I've been a night eater since freshman year of college- I won't let me daughter eat in her bed, but have no problem doing it in mine. And, I think it an awful habit- but, one I am willing to work towards breaking. You sound like you know a lot about this struggle as well and I appreciate your taking the time to share with me.

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sallytht's picture
[4180]
Aug 14

@PNWGirl15 No problem! I have had this struggle now for the past 20 years, since I was in my early to mid-40's. I'm 62 now. For me, all the weight gain started with the psych meds that I have been on these last 20 years. And part of my psych issues is anxiety at night. I almost would rather stay up all night and sleep in the day, it makes me feel safer. But I realize that is far from ideal for my physical health. Lately I have been staying up as late as 5 to 6 a.m - last night I got to bed at 2 a.m. And the result? I didn't overeat last night. So right now I need to try to make sure I'm trying to go to sleep by at least 2 a.m. It also helps to strategize what you will let yourself eat at night. Last night I had cherries and string cheese, which I think was a great snack, and not too high calorie. And this morning my weight was better. I just have to do this more than one day at a time! Let me know what you try and what works and what doesn't.

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