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~~~~~~~~~~~~Trigger warning~~~~~~` Today my partner is do

Kaynn's picture
[275]

~~~~~~~~~~~~Trigger warning~~~~~~`

Today my partner is down, and i'm stuck at work feeling worthless. I can't focus and at the end of the day, i'm osolating between wanting to just go home and ask her point blank if she even wants to be with me and why when i'm so useless to her when she needs me or if I should just stay quiet and try to let it pass...
It feels overwhelming and like if i'm so unsure why am I even bothering to try. Like I know i'm a horrible person anyway, I have no friends in my life because every time someone gets close enough to see the real me they always abandon me saying i'm toxic and no good and then tell me all the ways I've ever hurt them. and mind you, I always am afraid I am hurting others.. and I constantly ask and seek reassurance that things are okay, and up until the point they decide to tell me off they always say yes that things are fine, then come out of left and act like. " well you should have known" and all I can do is sit there cry and say, "But I asked you over and pover and you never gave me a chance to fix it... Because I would have if i'd have known, I am ALWAYS willing to fix myself, so I don't take up to much space, so I don't hurt anyone...
So.. today my girlfriend is having a down day, and she keeps saying that it isn't me... But I just don't trust it. I can't help feeling like if she was with someone better, or even if she just wasn't with me.. she'd be better...and.... I'm just so tired of feeling like a burden to everyone! how can I possible feel so much like a burden but still so uncared for, how can I look around and say, "I wish I didn't have to rely on others so much." but also have no one to rely on? I am the only income in our house, but I constantly feel guilty for buying things I need, or not having money to get my gf the things she needs, but then I feel guilty for thinking that things would be better if she had a job too...
At this point i'm just rambling, but I just don't know how to sort out all these feelings mixed up in this grey area, everything feels like it is everything and nothing all at once. i'm overstressed and have to much to do, but also empty and bored and.... I hate feeling this way!!!!! should I just end it? should I just go home and tell her to leave, remove the last person connecting me to the world and just... wait out the time it would take for me to stop existing, because at this point... that feels like the best option, detatch and disappear.. and I don't wanna do that.... because i'm selfish and I love her, and I want to keep living even if I am a burden... but that's selfish and I should just accept that nothing good ever comes from me.. right?
Please someone tell me what I should do?! I feel so overwhelmed and lost, and I just want to stop feeling this way.

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[5510]
Jun 29

Hey Kaynn, seems like at least you're moving things in a positive direction. Well done. Keep trying to string together "best choices". Before you know it, when you look up things will be pretty good.
Keep coming here to vent too. God speed.

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Kaynn's picture
[275]
Jun 30

@SirGrits Thank you very much sir Grits. <3 This seems like a very caring community so i'm glad I took the time to join.

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[3490]
Jul 6

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know it is very heartbreaking. It sounds like you are taking strides in a positive direction. Take care of yourself and be honest. Big hugs!

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