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So to be clear, I'm not actually suicidal and will be fine.

Northguy's picture

So to be clear, I'm not actually suicidal and will be fine. But I'm having some new thoughts in this direction that were a bit worrisome and while I know nothing will happen, I did just want to get them off my chest, and this seemed dark enough that posting here rather than the depression group seemed prudent.

Anyhow, it just occurred to me a few minutes ago that if I took a bunch of pills that didn't kill me and had to go the hospital maybe it would finally show that I am not okay right now and my ability to grin and bear it has been strained for way, way too long and maybe some things would finally change and I'd get to feel less trapped.

Now I'm not going to do this, I'm certain. It wouldn't even really work well anyhow. But given that thoughts like this haven't occurred to me before, it was somewhat perturbing and I wanted to just get that off my chest. I don't really want to say anything else right now, the actual situation makes me feel silly talking about it publicly like this. It's not a huge problem honestly, just something that's dragged on forever (almost a full year now) and has me feeling very powerless and trapped. I don't handle that well at all and today is quite rough. At any rate, there is good cause to hope that in the next week or so this will finally get settled but it may not, and regardless, events moving forward, while good and necessary, does also spike my anxiety even though I want things to proceed so I can finally be done with this. So I'm pretty panicky right now and just doing my best to distract myself and not think about this so I don't go totally bonkers.

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Northguy's picture
Sep 21

Welp I'm feeling the pinch today pretty badly. Still not as bad as it was when I wrote this. Like I said the situation that's got my anxiety spiking got delayed til the end of this week. So now I'm waiting on my brother to see if he gets the things he needs to done. If he doesn't, I'm not really sure what I do from there. I'll figure it out of course if it comes to it, Just trying to hide from that possibility right now. Hoping I can minimize the stress and avoid getting as panicky as I did last week. I'll be fine of course, I'm just not doing well with the current situation which has been dragging on and keeping me feeling powerless for too long.

norseduncan's picture
Sep 22

@Northguy you always do seem to figure it out. good luck on keeping the stress under control!

Northguy's picture
Sep 24

I sure hope so, thanks norseduncan

Heh. I went in this morning to ask my brother what progress he'd made in the last week on his task. He had completely forgotten. Blaarrrrrrghhhhhhhhh!

Anyhow he says he'll get it done today. I am skeptical but we'll see. I'll give him one more day of me being hands off. Then if he screws it up by tomorrow I'll have to play it by ear and see how bothersome I need to be to make sure this happens.

If nothing else, I went out yesterday and got more ice cream. I can't fiddle, but I can eat ice cream as Rome burns ;)

Also wonderfully hilarious moment from a webcomic I follow that seemed just perfect

Person 1: "Care to join me? I'm preparing for a serenity to accept toast."
*pours drinks*
Person 1: "To the things we cannot control."
Person 2: "May they dread the day we can control them."


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