My Dearest Sweetest Girls, I always dreamed that a day woul

ShadyII's picture
[95]

My Dearest Sweetest Girls,
I always dreamed that a day would come that it would be my turn, I would be loved, nurtured, protected and even admired. I dreamed that I would have children and grandchildren and a longtime husband, 1 husband not 3, that I myself would live in that big rich house and drive those big shiny cars. I would be educated and have a beautiful career that I absolutely loved. My children would love and adore me, as I did them, a husband who doted and was in total awe of me, grandbabies that would have sleepovers or little dates with Grammy for ice-cream or a movie.
Unfortunately, my planets didn’t quite align right, my paths ended up dirt roads, all that I should have been was only a simple dream. A dream that for me would never happen. From conception, I was marked with the big RED X. I never would have thought that I would be married for the 3rd time, unemployed, living in trailer and my daughters and grandchildren 3 states away. I never thought I would be prisoner to disorders people don’t understand, or that My husband felt more desire to protect his girlfriend than he ever would his wife. One can only endure so much, I am sorry but I just can’t anymore, I shouldn’t have to. My dreams are shattered, my heart is shattered, my soul is shattered. It has been proven time and time again that I am not worthy …. I came up with the perfect name of a blog or book…. REJECTION FROM CONCEPTION.
I love you girls more than life itself, I tried…. I tried so hard…. God knows I tried to give you all that you needed, all that you wanted. I tried to protect you, provide for you, nurture you, I but I failed you, I failed my husbands, I failed life.
Please forgive me, I am not doing this to hurt you although I know it will for a minute, but I hurt you all anyway…. Please don’t see it as selfish, it is for you I have made this decision, embrace that I am finding peace…. I hope. No more hurt, no more pain, no more sorrow or disappointment, no more resentments or burdens. No more tears.
I am going to tell you one more time, I have never lied to you, I didn’t steal you, I wasn’t being vindictive or hateful, I was being a mother who had no choices other than to protect her littles. I am sorry that you missed growing up with your paternal family, I am sorry that you didn’t have grandparents, or a father, or an at home mom, or a big house. But it wasn’t me who made it that way, I had to pick up the aftermath, put the pieces together and make the best of what we had…. We didn’t have much, but I felt we at least had each other. But come to find out, we don’t even have that.
Just so you know, I had never held a baby before you were born Brittini, I had never known what love was… how to give it or receive it. When you were born, my heart skipped a beat, there was this being that was given to me, this perfect little being I didn’t know what to do with, we lived in Texas, had no family, no friends. I read books and magazines but as you have both already experienced books have nothing on living it. We made it, you are all grown up, successful beautiful women and adoring mothers of your own littles now. But somehow, I get reminded that I failed you, that I ruined your lives because I worked two full time jobs to support you on my own. I see other mothers and daughters who have so much less, but they are so close, and the admiration they have for each other is remarkable. I, don’t even receive a happy Mother’s Day, instead I get told to quit playing the victim and making everything about me. I am told that your child molesting father learned from his mistakes unlike you who keep doing the same things over and over.
I don’t know, I just don’t want to anymore….I have no fight left in me….I am done.

I love you so much
Mom

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norseduncan's picture
[93050]
Jul 17

wow, thank you for sharing this with us. your pain leaps off the screen. I am hoping you are still with us and have found the strength to keep fighting to change what you can about your situation.

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