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I keep trying to figure out how to feel better but at the en

I keep trying to figure out how to feel better but at the end I end up researching ways to kill myself

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May 27

@Bluecloud89, Hi, please be careful. I don't wanna put a negative slant on your relationship with this man, your fiance, but since you say you're undocumented, it's imperative you be very careful about how you trust others. For example I knew this woman who was taken to the US, from Mexico, by a man who promised to marry her and ensure she could become documented, green card and eventually a citizen of the US. So her parents let her go to the US with this guy. He did marry her and they had two kids. But he treated her very cruelly and she had no way of leaving him and escaping his abuse because she was undocumented. He never helped her get her green card or citizenship. She was trapped. It was awful for her. She also could never go back to Mexico to her family because her kids were used to living in the US and would have gotten sick if they went back to Mexico. Eventually I think she got away from him but her life was H**L. Also, a person can seem one way online and be another in person. My oldest daughter had a couple online relationships but when she went to see the guys she had the relationships with they ended because the guys were different in person than they portrayed. That happened to our oldest son, (my step-son) as well. Some girl was totally leading him on online and he wanted to marry her. It turned out to be a scam. Have you met this guy in your own surroundings? Has he met your family? Have you met his? I know you life is already so full of trials and hardships. I don't wanna bring more negativity or make you paranoid. But just please be very cautious.

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Innerturmoil's picture
May 31

@Bluecloud89 Do you know each other in person or just on line? How would it work, would he move here or would you move there? My first wife was from Singapore, we met online, married she came here, didnt adapt well, became a shut in, went back to Singapore to visit her family, for a month, then I never saw her again... There is a lot more to consider with online relationships.. People are awesome when you are around them for a couple of hours on line or in person... but when you live with them they change... you see all the ugly, not just the pretty face they put on when they are happy. Of course it is the same with any in person relationship, but it is MUCH harder to recover from in the event that things go south. Please do be careful, but know that does not mean dont do it... just whatever you do, be sure that you have a fall back plan so you dont end up stuck or worse off, or in a position where you can not break free. Like Scat said, below... just keep your eyes and possibilities open. :) I would like to hear more :)

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Bluecloud89's picture
Jun 1

@Innerturmoil the original plan was for him to come over and meet. We would plan the wedding and then I would move there. However, right now he's had problems and I don't know how we'll make it work. I understand the risks and I am not closing my eyes to that. He is not the first man I have met online. I know what you mean by having a backup plan. I have my own savings. I would find my exits before going through with my plans to marry him. For example a person can always leave any country (as far as I can tell. Perhaps it's different in Saudi Arabia) as long as they go back to their country of origin. This means that if things don't work out I can still go back to Mexico. I do have family there I know I could count on. That would not be my first choice of course but we're talking worst case scenario. I mean really what am I actually doing here that makes me happy? I feel unimportant abused. They might not be trying to hurt me but I feel like I would be better off dead. Right now just the possibility that it might work out one day is keeping me alive. I got yelled at so many times yesterday and told that my brothers are more important than my feelings. I feel like the dog is more important. I have been told that I'm bad so many times this week.
Trigger Warning
Just this week I stopped eating to self harm. I wish it was easier to get cancer or starve myself to death. Then I feel like a piece of sh*t for thinking things like that. There's so many people that have cancer or are actually starving . All they want is one more day to be with the people they love. I have the luxury of wishing for their life threatening problems just because I can't have the b*lls to take the knife and pills with my own two hands and get it over with. I'm a terrible person. I'm cowardly. I'm worthless and useless.

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