i feel like my whole world has crumbled to pieces. My whole

i feel like my whole world has crumbled to pieces. My whole life I've worked my *** off, been stressed. I've been trying to get to a place where I feel successful enough to be safe financially and comfortable and I feel like I can't be happy until I reach that point. The problem is, I have nothing outside of work. I've been stubborn. Been through a few LONG term relationships, one of which was a marriage, I've always blamed those around me for my unhappiness and pushed them away. Despite always being loved. My ex wife was perfect for me, I just refused to compromise and tried to control her and blame her for my unhappiness. I was only with my last girlfriend for the last 2 years as a distraction from loneliness and never stopped reaching out to my ex wife. We went out several times after a year, and we stopped because she is a good Christian woman who didn't want to waste time when I was still in a relationship. It took me until just a few months ago to finally dump the girlfriend because I didn't want to hurt her, as much as I wanted to be with my ex wife again. Now I realize that my ex wife is seeing someone and I no longer feel the love and yearning I did the last time I saw her a year ago. It's been almost 2 years since the divorce was finalized, and nearly 3 years since we were together. I feel like I don't wanna live anymore after a number of other things have been falling apart around me, but the ex wife was the only hope I had to keep living. I've been taking antidepressants and self medicating. I don't know where I can go to start improving myself to deserve her or someone like her again. I just need to connect with other people in the same, dark place. I just wanna be better but I have no motivation because I'm so depressed.