I don't have any plans to do it, but relentless ideation is

[375]

I don't have any plans to do it, but relentless ideation is horrific. I feel like I am stuck in some limbo state.

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 3
norseduncan's picture
[101635]
Jul 16

time then to get unstuck. welcome! why do you feel this way? you can talk about things here. we make sure it is safe to do so, and no one will judge you for it

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[375]
Jul 16

I think it comes down to the intense feelings of pain, worthlessness and shame that I've carried in my subconscious all my life that have been masked for a while by taking a medication. As my life has considerably worsened while on medication (both due to ever increasing life stressors and medication side effects), all the feelings got amplified. Was originally prescribed by a General Practicioner for anxiety/panic attacks and some heavy life stresses, and am currently working with a psychiatrist to manage/reduce the medication in a safe manner. I have learned in my case that the ideation is both medication and life-related, and that (1) coming off too quickly of medications worsens this, and that the extra stresses in life worsen it, as well. I do also believe that some of the childhood trauma and some of the PTSD events in my teenage years and young adulthood have probably had a major contribution to this. I was very functional for many years, but was suffering from low to moderate depression and a generalized anxiety disorder for many years. It was all somehow manageable, until a certain point in my life when the combination of stressors, regrets and lack of connections and emotional support reached a critical point. I think I didn't realize how delicate this whole balance was throughout my life, even though there were years and years of vitality. But, it seems too obvious to me that some of traumas were never healed, and that I've buried a lot of emotions, which I am unable to process/release properly doing to their intrusive/looping nature at the moment. I have tried to work on mediation and trying to heal these emotions, even though it feels like a Groundhog Day/rinse and repeat.

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norseduncan's picture
[101635]
Jul 16

@MrHughes honestly it sounds as though you are on the right track. the first step is to recognize the issue, which you have done, and ant it to get better, which you seem to. it will be a long process to unbury the emotions and heal this trauma, but you can do it. one step a. focus on each step, not the long road full of steps

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