I hate school, and I hate this place. I) wish I could skip t

Jack_Engvik's picture
[615]

I hate school, and I hate this place. I wish I could skip the next 5 years of my life.

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Innerturmoil's picture
[1575]
Feb 16

Hey Jack, I know it sounds like BS... But trust me... whatever you are going through, it will make you stronger and better and prepare you for life... the best thing you can do for yourself, is if it is hard to deal with... take it as a challenge and test yourself against it.. I dont know what you are going through, and i know sometimes it is hard to talk about it... especially when it feels humbling and you may be embarrassed... but tough it out... like you said... in 5 years... but dont skip them... be present in them... drink them in like a plant does water. Use it to strengthen your mind and as drive to prove them wrong. That you were strong, and powerful and become successful and let your good living and happiness and ability to move past and forgive them for their youthful stupidity and insecurities.
When I was in highschool it was one of the most trying times of my life... i was suicidal at times and remember trying to convince myself that i had the courage to take my own life... but that is not courage.... that is giving in and letting the enemy win.. I can tell that you have fight in you. That you are stronger than you even know... I am gifted/cursed with high levels of empathy and can almost always tell what people are about just from a glance in their eyes. Your pic tells me that you bounce back and forth from confidence and self doubt. You want to believe you are more but then someone or something slaps you in the face with what you perceive as reality and makes you feel like you are less... are weak... are nothing... Thats what they want you to think.. they are filling their power with what they take from you... dont let them take it... Does that mean fight or hurt them or anything like that? Absolutely not... Fight them with your mind. Figure a way to make whatever it is that is hurting stop. Suck up the pain and find a productive way to point it and set it free... Wright music, Take up guitar or drums, Try your hand at art, Write stories, Take up MMA, Donate time with charities, take up extreme mountain biking... Find a way to point your pain and make something beautiful from it, that can help someone else some day. Mabe one day you will be the one reflecting back to someone who needs it, years later after being physically abused with hammers, short lengths of pipe, pliers, fists and boots, and all the cruel and hurtful things other damaged people can say or do... and maybe you will be able to inspire someone who needs to know, that they are not alone in the suffering... that someone else has felt what they have... someone to compare scars with... and share tears... I still sometimes feel rage when i think back of what some of them put me through... Ray C., Rob H., Scott G., Rob L. to name a few... right now I still feel the burning rage and what could be hate if I let it fester... I am 44 years old now, and has been over 25 years since, and could easily let it turn into violence if i saw them now and punish them for their acts and cowardly deeds, but What good would it do? It would take away from who I have become... If not for the bruises and scars they inflicted on me almost every day, of my sophomore year, I might not be the man I am today. I am strong. I am successful. I am smart. I am blessed. and I am happy to be alive! I forgive them with every ounce of strength I have... it isnt easy and would be very easy to let it go the other way if i let it... but I have something greater than they could ever know... I have victory over them... They did not beat me... they hurt me... ALOT... BADLY... OFTEN... but they could not keep me down. They could not break me... They could not change me for the worse... They did the opposite... I am better despite their beatings. And I am heroic at heart. I am not afraid to face adversity. Danger is not the same to me, because i have looked the devil in the face and I have chosen to not let him win. I now have the knowledge to help my children should they ever go through anything... These scars are tragic and is not an easy past to carry or remember... But when you have children you will immediately understand.. going through hell, so the ones you care about wont have to... Would i change it if i could? I would be lying if i said I wouldn't... however... I didnt... therefore I use it to be better and to not be like them. Should I have told someone that i was being beaten and tortured daily? I should have! I know that now... I wish pride would have let me then... I was too embarrassed that it was happening, and to tell and make my family know i was going through such pain would have put pain on them and I was just too humiliated and sucked it up... I know now how wrong that was... how my family would have helped me, how the school would have helped me... i was fooled to believe it was weakness to ask for help... it is weakness to sit and take it and remain a victim. Like a lot of women who are in abusive relationships, I took it, because what if no one believes me... what if I do something and no one helps... it will be worse.. everyone will think i was a rat... The fact is, no single life is more important than the next... we are all here living and trying to make it through the day.. we are all takers and we all are givers. Some take too much... some take so much it hurts... you are important. you are vital. you have a right to not feel what they inflict. Talk to someone a guidance counselor, a teacher, a parent or adult relative and have them help you make it stop.

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