Hello all, I have tried to type this out multiple times but

Hello all, I have tried to type this out multiple times but always get stuck. Hopefully I can figure out how to type it out well and shorter than the last few times. I just officially became a single mother on november 11th but me and my childs father have an interesting dynamic going on. He is still living with us until he can finish welding school since he does not make enough at his job to move out and though his parents home is close and he can move there his mother just recently took in one of his sisters who recently relapsed on drugs/ they are hoarders unless someone keeps cleaning up after them 24/7... So in my opinion not a healthy place for him to go and finish school up as well as make the best new co parenting decisions. (they are one of our main babysitters since his step dad cant work at the moment but they come over to where we live since I do not want my son around when their home is like that and when that one particular sister is around too.) I am trying to find out if I should attempt to have him move to his mothers home at some point instead of fully waiting till schools finished on his end or just leave it as is. (when we finally decided to split he told his parents and they are mostly in agreement that if he needs to go somewhere theyd kick his sister out so it would be better for him) I feel at some point we may just need to have a month or so to try out being in separate house holds early but IDK. I also work night shift at the hospital, 12 hour shifts three days a week. It is very helpful to me to have him in the home to get up with our child once he wakes up and I am sleeping for the next shift. I don't know what I would do if he moved out for that regard since I am also in school but for right now I am online to make things easier childcare wise. (I tried applying for childcare at the school I attend so I could go in person but until I get into the actual program they will not let me submit an assistance form/put my child on the waitlist.) My house hold is practically a one person income house hold due to my ex not making alot and being terrible with money he can hardly buy us anything and hasn't paid rent or utilities since we moved to this new apt 2 years ago. :| I am a push over and he admitted he was so used to me taking care of things he stopped thinking about all the bills I pay. I practically am still buying him groceries even though they are not individually his. Just meat and other basics that he can use to make food. We are good friends in general but we can get into arguments and both of us have our moments where we get snappy so that's why at some point I feel he may need to get out before hand. I did not know if anyone's had a similar situation or any thoughts on what the next steps are because we haven't sat down to talk further on what happens next after recognizing we just need to coparent and not be a couple. Thank you!

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Justwanttobeloved's picture
Dec 3

I feel for you. That's a difficult situation. There are a lot of red flags that you've mentioned. As an outsider who isn't in the middle of your situation, it's going to be easier for me to see. It's hard to think clearly about a situation when you're emotionally involved. First, to get a better understanding, I need to ask some questions, as the answers will help me guide you.

What brought the relationship to an end? Who broke things off? Was it mutual? How much longer until he's done with school? Is he your child's father? How much does he make? Are both of his parents hoarding? Or just one? Do you know how it started?

While it's gracious of you to let him stay there, he also strains/drains you financially. Instead of spending even half of what he brings in on anything to help you, he keeps it for himself! I'm sorry to hear about his sister. Drug addiction is no joke. I don't know what she's on, or how long she has been using, but she obviously needs help. Where will she go if her parents kick her out? Can they not have both of their children under the same roof? To kick out the person who needs the most help sounds cruel. Whether you understand what she's going through or not, she's still a person.

It's going to sound cold, but it's not your responsibility to provide a roof and food for your ex. He's an adult. It's his problem to figure out where to go and how he'll make it happen. Would it be possible for him to stay with you while your working? This would only be temporary, as you're going to have to figure out a plan. Could his father stay with you? Are you signed up for help in the state that you live in? Things such as food stamps? I imagine that any help would be grand.

You can do this! You have a good head on your shoulders. You're obviously trying to better yourself which is always commendable. You're obviously a good mother, as your concern is for your child. Take a deep breath. Take it one day at a time. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need/want to talk or vent.

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Hello! Thank you for reaching out and responding, I do not mind answering the questions you threw out! So my ex is my childs father, we ended things mutually and more so the relationship came to an end due me being tired of taking care of my partner as another child and to horrible communication and issues with lying and promising to work on behaviors and they never were worked on. He has yet to start school since he is in a online highschool diploma course and is taking alot longer than the welding school and myself thought he would take to finish it. (he should be done with this online course this week and then can start applying for the spring semester in January since the school is more of a group thing than a join when your ready course.) He gets paid weekly and is almost getting 200 a week, so a little under 1000 a month... I make close to 1000 biweekly, we also get paid about the same, maybe a dollar difference. He does work PRN/Part time hours, which I had encouraged earlier on when his job offered it so that when he started the online course and the in person welding school he would not be stressing so much about work and worrying about them firing him for either calling out alot or being late. (at the time I agreed to him lessening hours he was not paying me rent still or contributing alot, maybe groceries in small portions or buying take out. but it would not have been too different from then if he worked less since he was still making crap money at the job he is still at.)
His mother is the main hoarder but the others when they live with her also contribute to the mess. His mothers side of the family have alot of mental issues and trauma and she has a lot herself which she has not fully dealt with. I have cleaned one of the houses they lived in three times and each time it went right back to how it used to look like. She is so bad that she has to leave the house to let people clean or she will interrupt the process and get sentimental over a pee and poop covered shirt that doesn't fit my exs sisters or if there are glass dishes covered in maggots she'd want to try and clean it... His step dad maybe in the past had tried to help keep it clean but with what I mentioned before with her habits or interrupting he'd probably say it isn't his mess to really deal with and doesn't want to make her upset.
Yes drug addict is no joke, my ex was on drugs for a while when he was in middle school and ODed two times, his mother was a black sheep of the family and turned to them which clouded judgement and lead to my ex being born when she had just turned 16. His sister who just relapsed has BPD (borderline personality disorder) which she is not taking medicine for (and it really helps her if she did!) The bad thing is she definitely needs help but she is a self destructive person. She has a mental age of 16 though she is 18 now (which is forreal and not just a observation or mean jab) but she has hurt and used anyone in her family and people like friends to her. I have witnessed and been told of her abuse to others (and what I list she was doing before getting hooked on drugs.) She would pull knives on people, physically fight and break things/throw them around and at people. She has and does steal items and lie about it and sell it. She first started with cigarettes and weed and then was introduced to pills and other harder drugs which she never really had a second thought about taking. She got pregnant on purpose when she found out me and her brother were cause the attention was off her (something had gone on that resulted in trying to go to court with the person but it was being pushed around because covid was starting to creep into the USA more and she kept going back and forth with what happened and seemed to enjoy making a fuss about it). She luckily was not on hard core drugs while pregnant (to our knowledge) but she had a few fights with her baby daddy which lead to her and him going to court and they mandated her to take anger management classes and see a counselor which they then proscribed her to take zoloft to handle abit of her problems, especially them becoming worse after pregnancy. Once the court order was over she quit working on her issues and stopped taking zoloft. Restarting her journey to drugs cause she doesn't care.
She has off and on lived with her mother and multiple other people due to her issues of being a terror unfortunately. She had recently lived with my exs mother a month or so ago and they kicked her out because she stopped working and in effect was not paying the rent she agreed to pay, was stealing items and selling them, was using what money she had on snacks, drugs, and drinks, and tried to get her aunt and mom in a fight by telling the aunt that the money she owed her, she had given her mother and she was insinuating that her mother kept it... Their mother is crazy to have taken her in again because of that and other things she did the last time. This recent time she took her and bd in was due to them getting kicked out of two homes and she originally was only gonna keep them for a week but was guilt tripped to keep them longer. Though his family doesn't want to look at it like this they are enabling her and helping to feed her addiction. they and herself do not have money for rehab and she does not truly see an issue with her lifestyle since she has yet to be kicked to the curb for real/ sent to jail for what she is doing, The saddest thing is her daughter is getting to see this over and over as well as when her mom (exs sister) blows up and everyone is screaming and the baby is crying.
But for the main reason it would be a horrible idea for him to be there is due to his sister being so destructive as well she has already attempted to get into a fight with him (starting out verbal) by trying to make him angry by insinuating I have guys over and if I did what all we were doing and if that makes him angry (which I do not plan to be with another guy for a verrryyy long time...) He brushed these comments off but told her they would annoy him but more so make him mad since our child is asleep at our home. He agreed he would be taking care of keeping the house clean (which he doesn't do much of over here unless I ask for him to do more than he normally does.) and he would probably fall back into old spending habits with his parents (when we first met he was giving them his whole paycheck and they would smoke and buy whatever with it.)
More so we are working well in the home together and our son doesn't seem over whelmed with the small change of us not kiss and hugging like before. I am more so concerned I guess in the end with myself and if I will fall into the old pattern of taking care of things with what he does or does not do due to me getting tired of it or just wanting it done and not having to argue and ask. I can only apply for WIC (which I have) and will be attempting childcare coupons from the state when the school year starts again but i unfortunately make to much by myself before taxes (when I can hardly pay rent and what not but sure government I make that much money... lol) My ex will be attempting to sign up for food stamps to help out more with groceries but we are both on the lease, though I pay it all, and he may get rejected since we are a two person household by the lease agreement standards. (I have asked him to start paying me rent by only 50 dollars, I now it isnt much, but it is to start off and see if he can pay it and then I plan to increase it but I am also being more stern with the car payments he owes me too each month and not letting him off the hook like before.) IDK I just feel like I would be way less stressed with him out of the household but need him for now to help with our son when I come home from work in the mornings and cannot function to keep a close eye on him for 11 hours straight. Just wonder when I should kick him out if it just keeps getting worse in smaller regards or if I should stick to my original plan but make more rules for him to keep living there though it is more for my convenience.

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Justwanttobeloved's picture
Dec 6

@Confusedbutstrong Wow! What a complicated situation! I now have a much better understanding of the sister. Who has custody of her daughter? Please don't say that she does. She can't take care of herself, much less an infant!

His mother will continue to hoard, until she deals with the root cause. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how many times you get cleaners, she'll continue to fill the house. It's not surprising that his sister became a teen mother. Daughters of teenage mothers, are 80% more likely to become teen mothers.

As for your living situation, you have to do what is best for you. If it's easier for now to have him there in order to take care of your son, then do it. Just make sure that you make clear boundaries, and that you stick to them! Think about what you want to change. For example, you could tell him that he's in charge of the dishes on the days that you work, to pick up the house. That he's responsible for the car payment, and half the rent.

He can still apply for food stamps alone. You may have to produce a letter stating how much he pays for rent, water, electric, phone, and so forth. I'm surprised that you were denied, especially since you have a child!

Keep your chin up. Follow your gut instinct. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need/want to talk or vent.

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