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Good Morning, I really hope to gain some support from this b

Good Morning, I really hope to gain some support from this because I REALLY am in need of it. I have been dealing with depression for about 22 years now. It started from a young age. I was only 6 years old when my mom passed away in 1996. I am now 28 years old. I have a 5 year old son who is my world, but the way things played out throughout my life I feel like I am depriving him of his childhood. I was in a very abusive relationship mentally,emotionally and physically. Before the physical got any worst I removed me and my at the time newborn son away from him and I have never turned back. People say I am messed up for keeping him away from his father because a son needs his father. But he has now since the physical abuse been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I have no trace of where he could be or anything. His mom plays the role of "My son does no harm", and every chance she gets she tries to make excuses for his actions. He blames me for the road that he is taking in life right now, claims that I did voodoo on him when I broke up with him. He calls me all types of disrespectful names and threatens me and my son. He doesn't like the fact that me and his first baby mother are cool. He says that we are going to hell because we are the devil. He calls to speak to his son, but when he doesn't get in contact with me he calls him all types of names. I do not want to get the cops involved because I do not want my son to have to endure that type of energy at such a young age. I do not stop him from calling his son, but as I already told him I do not want him talking to him like that, and as much as I express it he still does it. I have endured this type of pain for 5 years now. I have been depressed about my situation for that same amount of time. I have shut it out for a very long time, but just this morning at exactly 3 am I had a breakdown where I started crying because I feel like I won't be good enough for any guy that I meet in life. I even went on dating websites to try and find love again, but I feel like I am going about this the wrong way. I love myself enough to allow someone else to love me, but my guard continues to be put up due to my feelings being sheltered. I want someone to love me, but I don't want to give the wrong person my heart. My feelings and emotions are just all over the place but last night really scared me because I just woke up and started to cry.

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Oct 11

Sorry for the loss you endured at such a young age and all that you are going through now. I wholeheartedly agree with what you are doing. I wouldn't want to expose my child to that type of behavior either. Sounds like your ex needs to get help for his mental disorder before he is active in his kid's life. I know it can be hard waiting for love and of course you don't want to seek it in the wrong places. Have you talk with a therapist about your depression, loss, and abuse you have been through? There are also some local churches that offer different support group catering to specific needs, which maybe helpful to you. I pray you have better days ahead.

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