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Question for divorced dads (and I sincerely appreciate your

[680]

Question for divorced dads (and I sincerely appreciate your honesty if you answer): did anyone get divorced because you cheated? To open up: I am really struggling. My wife and I have been married for 7 years, have a 3 year-old (and she's 7 weeks pregnant now), and we have had a history of pretty bad arguments, to the point where we've been in couples and individual therapy for a bit now. We truly love each other and are working on things; we both just have life wounds that trigger us. Our families are very aware of our struggles, and have had to support/intervene on occasion. Anyway, I have been occasionally going to Asian massage parlors the last few years (mostly during the day when working from home), and sometimes I have gotten a "happy ending." And twice was given just a bit of oral (I've checked and I'm 'clean' since). I have always justified it in mind a few ways: (1) I have Korean roots and lived there for a bit, and in Korean culture, men frequently do this stuff behind closed doors, so with my Korean-ness in mind, it's ok; (2) she has been emotionally shutting me out for years, and we've both admitted that we have broken our marriage vows, so therefore I'm not the only bad one; and (3) it's just a little handjob with no emotion, and I'd NEVER actually go on a date with someone else. And if she wanted to get a massage by an old man who gets her off, I'd be fine, and our sex life is non-existent anyway. But I know she wouldn't be fine with me doing this. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has gotten divorced because of this (not necessarily full sex infidelity but certainly something), and when/how it was brought up. Thank you.

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CKBlossom's picture
[463345]
Feb 24

Why have another child if you guys are so on the edge and you had to have some sex if she is 7 weeks pregnant. I am just confused, if you guys are both so done with each other, why stay and expand your family?

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[680]
Feb 26

It's complicated, but I understand your question and confusion. We've been in individual therapy + couples therapy, and talked through the ins and outs of our struggles (except my denial that I've recently realized). We have been working hard on our marriage, and there is a lot of love in our household. And at this point I think we know that - once we let the initial drama of a fight settle - that the source of our fighting is really our personal wounds being triggered (not the other deliberately trying to hurt the other). So we have been trying to conceive. But for a couple years I didn't want another child - not until 8 months ago when I felt we were at a good point from therapy that I was ready. I didn't think we'd survive the added stress due to how much stress having our first child put on our marriage and the way we argued. But part of my personal growth through therapy has been to realize that I tend to really feel down and lose hope when things aren't perfect, and that loving and accepting myself means that it's ok to have arguments, fight like couples do, storm out of the house in tears ... because that's what marriage is brutally like sometimes ... and still have and deserve children. So that was our mindset. Now, obviously ... I've done wrong here in a new dimension, and now I have to deal with it. But I hope that helps clarify things for you.

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