Im in big trouble


So, I went on a walk yesterday with Lambert House, its a place that gay, lebians, bisexuals, transgenders people go to hang out. Once a month, the "house" holds a hike. Yesterday was my first hike I went on with the Lambert House people. There was a 21 year old bisexual man, and 2 older men who were leading the hike. The hike was fun and all. The other man who was on the hike as a member of Lambert House, Manny, was a very nice man. He kept telling me how beautiful my eyes are, how nice I am and how hed like to be in a relationship with me. Ive gone to Lambert House occansionaly for about a year now and have seen Manny around. He goes to Lambert House everyday. I said "youre a nice man too and Id like to be friends for now." He was fine with that.. On the hike, the two leaders went ahead and Manny gave me some X2C. He told me it would rid me of all my problems. I took it and sure enough it did. The X2C made me calm but, now, Im wanting more.

My mom doesnt know about me taking this medicine. Shes been worried with the friends I make and she knows Ive become addicted to Oxy and Vicodin before. My mom also knows that Ive been diagnosed with being an alcoholic and I have to go to AA. I cant tell my mom. My mom thinks that Manny is a wonderful man and she knows I love him. Manny and I have been texting and thats cool and all. He wants us to hang out "alone" sometime. I said I dont know. Manny does drink and use drugs sometimes. Im only taking it one day at a time for now.

I cut last night really bad. The cut is really red and sore now. I was really upset that I toook that pill. I really want to be normal again and that X2C made me feel normal. But kids who do drugs, cut, are anorexic, drink and stuff like that are not normal one bit. I put some medicine on the cut so it wont get infected.

I ate a lot last night. I think it was because the X made me hungry. Well, it wasnt too much but, it was enough for me to purge and take a lot of laxatives afterwards. My mom doesnt know about me purging again either. My mom thinks Im "over" my eating disorders. But, how could I be over them if I still exercise a lot everyday, I still purge, I still eat in secrecy(meaning I dont eat) and if I still worry all the time about how I look?

My back has been really bad lately. Ive taken Oxy and Vicodin everyday now for like 6 days. Im going to the back and spine doctor on Wednesday which is when I run out of the pills. Im hoping the doctor will prescribe me more. Im not abusing these pain pills which is good. I take one or the other every 6 hours for pain with some food so I dont get sick. I also take 800mg of Inuprofen with each dose of the oxy or vicodin.

My heads hurting a lot. Ive had a migraine since last night. Ive been resting a lot today and am just telling my mom that I dont feel well so, she wont think Im high or on drugs or anything like that. My mom would freak if she knew and shed send me to treatment right away. I was away from home for over 4 years and if I leave again, I wont come back alive.

Can someone give me some support??



rocksasamickguitar's picture

Oh Sasha please do not do anymore X2C. This Manny does not sound too healthy for you either. I have severe back pain as well, and go in on Tuesday this week for an epidural. With the other pain pills you are on you should not be taking anything else. Please do not cut yourself. Get online, and get some friends drummed up to build your healthy support network. I hope your migraine wears off, I get those too, so no fun dealing with the back pain, and the migraine. I'll send you a hug, and some hope, plus some support.

Hey, at least I got my feet wet!

SashaVL1992's picture


I dont think I should trust this Manie anymore either. He apologized to me today without me saying anything. He told me that he feels bad because of my past drug addiction issues with pain pills. I dont know what to say to him now. Manie has autism and hes been abused all his life by his father who he lives with so, I dont feel right letting go of him right now when he needs a friend the most. But, I told him I dont want the X anymore and he said "i promise I wont give you any more pills".

I hope your back doctors appointment goes well today(Tuesday). Im going to the back doctor on Wednesday morning really early in the day. Ive never been to a back doctor before so I dont know how it will go. I hate it when doctors push on my pain spot and keep pushing till I scream or cry. But, Ive got to remember that they are just trying to help find out whats going on with me.

My mom and I will ask about back surgery. My math teachers wife had the same back issues as I do now. She had incontinence and pressure in her legs and feet but, she went to Tacoma General ER and they operated. Now, shes in no pain at all. Her pain lasted 6 years but, now there is none.

The doctors only will do surgery if thats the last option which is totally fine with me. Im just in so much pain I want it to all go away.

Can you please let me know how your appointment goes? Im curious. Were you in an accident, do you have a fusion or a disk problem? I have a c1 and c7 fusion which is in my neck but, I dont have any pain there so, thats weird.

Anywho, just let me know how it goes for you. I wish you the best and thanks for your support and advice.

rocksasamickguitar's picture

Hey Sasha, That is great Manie apologized. Sounds like a long time friend. You do not want ot dump him, but as long as he respects your boundaries, then everything can remain cool. That is the best way, so you don't lose a friend, but you stay away from the harmful things to you like the X2C.

Sorry to hear about your fused disks. Yes surgery may have worked for your mom, and that is fantastic it did! Sounds like she was in pain for years, finally has relief now.

Surgery is not going to work for me, I need a new spine. I am sad to talk of my detailed issues as I feel they are substantial, and if they get me down, I wonder what they do to others. Part of support is knowing you found someone you can relate to, they share your same problems, and can help you cope.

I have lennox gastaut syndrome, and MS.

I was also hit two times by a car walking across the street, one time on my bicycle about 9 years ago, and another time a car I was in the back seat of was smashed by a semi in a major accident on the central exchange overpass in Akron, OH. Several people died in the accident, and one car flipped over the bridged onto RTE 8 below.

Aside from those accidents I was smashed in the head with a pipe, thrown down some stairs twice, and once had my head slammed against a steel door, was pushed off a slide onto a paved playground, and my first wife tried to poison me to get my insurance money.

Some of the accidents, and injuries were results from other kids in the children's home fighting, and beating me up. I was racing bikes at the time of my accident attending college when hit by a car at high speed. I used to race triathlon, and run marathons, now hard to walk around the house some days.

While at AGMC for treatment they experimented on me with some new drugs putting them in my pudding cause I would not take them until after I talked to the doctor. I locked up, and went into a coma for a period of three days.

Now my ears have piercing ringing most of the time due to over compensation for my high tone hearing loss. I get vertigo really badly, I have almost constant pain from my back, neck, and shoulders, and sometimes I cannot even eat. I get tonic clonic seizures, and at any one time during the day three or more muscles are going into deep spasms. Drains my energy, like every day I run a half marathon, sometimes full.

My latest of my total 8 MRI's shows two T2 and FLAIR hyper-intense lesions one each on the frontal lobes. C2-C3 & C3-C4 loss of anterior disk height, C4-C5 loss of posterior disk height with annular bulge, C5-C6 loss of posterior disk height with central disk protrusion, and an annular tear...C6-C7 loss of posterior disk height with loss of disk signal intensity, an annular bulge, and flattening of the anterior surface cord. C7-T1 loss of posterior disk height.

I thought all day if I should respond, and how to respond to your question. I did miss the AM appt, but a friend drove me to the other two. I have finally given in, and decided to get some hard stuff for the pain.

Your mom will be able to relate, walking around you feel nauseous to the point you cannot eat from the pain. Some days it is less than others, but most days it is unbearable. I lost 40 pounds since Dec 27 due in most part to not being able to eat for sometimes three days. My migraines can last up to three days, several times had to go to the hospital from it, twice had to be carried off by ems.

So i want to offer support, but I also need support. I want at the same time others to know while offering my support i have been where they are. Helps somehow knowing that the person you are talking to can relate, other than just an ear, or a shoulder.

I hope your back doctor appt goes well. I am glad you are not in constant pain from your fused disk.

Hugs and well wishes, John

Hey, at least I got my feet wet!

SashaVL1992's picture

Oh my gosh,

Im so sorry of what youve been through. You will definately be in my prayers. I aplogize if I upset you by my many questions.

I dont know what else to say because I dont know what youre going through.

I can just wish you the best for you and I will pray for you.


rocksasamickguitar's picture

I prayed for you as well Sasha.

If you offer support, you said plenty. Please ask questions, it shows concern. I'll ask em back, cause I am interested in hearing how things are going.

I appreciate the connection just like everyone else does. Helps me knowing I am not alone, although I still feel it sometimes.

How is your migraine, did it subside? I hope it did.

hope and hugs, john

Hey, at least I got my feet wet!

SashaVL1992's picture

Hello John,

Thanks for the support youve always been giving me. My migraine is better. Im going to my psych. doc today in a couple of hours to get some Ritalin to help with the ADHD from my Aspergers. I told my mom today that Ive been head banging. She started to cry because my mind "hasnt been there" she told me. Ive been having memory problems and Ive been hitting my head daily. My psych. doc doesnt know that I do this so, My mom and I will tell him today. I went to the back doctor who said to get to PT to help those muscles in my back ease up...I guess. So, Im starting PT next week. Then, I went to the nurologist after that back doctor who did an MRI scan of my brain and he said I do have some damage from the head banging. He referred me to an autism clinic at the UW and the nurologist said he put in his notes that I need a "helmet", Oh my gosh, how embarassing. But, you know I need help with this issue and if a helmet will help me stop, then so be it.

I hope you are doing well and if its sunny where you are, try to enjoy the sun.


rocksasamickguitar's picture

Yes, it wuz sunny today! I am so thankful too!

After staying up since like 2pm yesterday I drove to see me attorney, then back one handed due to sharp back pain, on my motorcycle. Only like 6 miles, farthest driven one handed was 26 miles to PT couple weeks ago. Got two hours sleep in three sections, then a two hour nap. Argh! Drama, please go away. Paint the sky with stars.

Brain scan MRI no fun. with/without contrast? had both, blame lennox gastaut 4 the lesions. I try to relate to people what a MRI is, and they are not understanding. I say it is like a monster truck race, standing under a tank turret when firing, while spinning on a centrifuge getting shook as you spin.

And that is with a 1.5 tesla magnet, I have had the 3 as well.

OHHHH sigh, rough day.

the helmet, gosh, yes it is a drag. anything you can do to help control the urges? do you know what any of your triggers are, or does it just come on you sometimes?

PT should help you get your muscles loosened up, but you still need to uproot the cause of the major stresses.

Keep me posted on how you feel with the ritalin, hope it helps you.

has it not been sunny up there recently? I used to live in Vancouver WA, rain sometimes got me down when lasted weeks. Loved the Mt views though! So pretty on a clear day the snow capped peaks.

Glad your migraine is better. Hopefully some sun comes your way as well.

Peace and hope, John

Hey, at least I got my feet wet!

SashaVL1992's picture

Hello John,
It was gorgeous today and yesterday. Sadly, I was driving all over the place with my mom. AS I wrote before, I had to get up at 7:15am after only "sleeping" which was really tossing and turning to go to Swedish for my back doctors appointment. Then to the nurologist at 11am. Had the MRI with contrast. Im allergic to all food dyes but the contrast isnt food dyes so I could have it. Then, I went to the psych. doc in Tacoma, which was like 3 hours of a drive because of the traffic in seattle to get the Concerta/Ritalin. Then, my mom and I stopped at a whole foods store in seattle and got some food for this week. We only shop once a week. And then, we went to the pharmacy to get my nurontin which the back doc prescribed me earlier today. I dropped off the Concerta which my insurance wont pay for so, I have to wait for prior authorization. But, I have some samples. About the head banging, I usually do it when Im really anxious and scared. Sometimes when Im mad and frustrated too. Ive learned that walks helps me from doing the head banging so thats good. I saw the mountain views. It was really pretty. My head is feeling much better. Im going to bed soon, and hope to sleep well tonight.

Talk to you soon,


rocksasamickguitar's picture

I am glad that you are feeling much better. Hard for me to type right now due to shaking. took night meds around 10p, well, most of them, slept till nearly 2p. first time slept in nearly two weeks, so was good. got some outside work done. loved reading your message about the mountain views. I have been up on those Mts, and remember the times when I am down.

so walks help you too, I like that. please try to go as soon as you notice the symptoms coming on. I want you to feel better.

sorry you have to pay for the ritalin, i get military tri-care benefits, and no meds costs me more than 2.50 anywhere i want to go. only ear doct, and one special c-spine mri cost me 20%, rest are free whether I go to meps center, or va, or private practice, which is where I always go.

At least you have your mom to give you rides to your important stuff. do you have to listen to S the whole way, or is she supportive, at least neutral about the whole thing?

I hope you got a good nights rest. fill me in later. peace and sunshine, John

Hey, at least I got my feet wet!

SashaVL1992's picture

Yeah, I went on a long walk 6 miles. I was walking to Fred Meyers when my mom came and picked me up because I told her Im suicidal. The doctor yesterday, prescribed me Nurontin which can cause suicidality. That was like the 5th doctor who did that to me. I was prescribed 300mg but the pill can be split in half, so, Im going to take 1/2 of a 300mg pill. (Im not good at math). I also got the Concerta today and will start it on Monday. Im an online high school student so, I can do school whenever I want to pretty much. Im going on a respite "camping" thingy tomorrow in Tacoma. Its from tomorrow(Friday) night to Sunday afternoon. Im scared to be away from home. I have PTSD from CPS who was involved when I had a dellusion about one of my family members. I said something really bad about him and CPS was going to take me away to foster home. But my psych doc admitted me to Childrens so that wouldnt happen(CPS taking me away). That happened when I was 12 and I still suffer from it all. I caused my family so much hell and Im always asking my higher power with help with forgiving myself. Well, ayways, the "camp" is for kids withdisabilities. I have schizophrenia, Aspergers, and ADHD. I will be with a conselor and 3 other kidss during that 1 1/2 days. Im scared that my anorexia will get bad. I hate eating infront of other people. When Im at home, I eat in my room or upstairs in the room with a TV. My mom thinks I will not feel as suicidal when Im there. I hope so. And we also hope the nurontin will be out of my system by then. i heard from one of my friends today. Shes anorexic too and is going to Western state hospital(the western part of the state states mental institution. Im worried about her and have been praying that she will overcome that demon. I also hope I will too.

Im sorry your in so much pain. But, Im glad you were able to get some sleep last night. I too am usually in alot of pain and only sleep between 1 and 4 hours a night with alot of tossing and turning. Last nite, I slept from 9pm to 1pm today. It felt good.

Hope you are holding in there.,



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