My depression is killing me..

innocence's picture

Unfortunately, the people in my life can only tolerate and be able to handle so much..I'm frustrated with myself for driving everyone away with my sadness and pain and all of that crap. I can't always control it.

I desperately need meds, but I can't find a psychiatrist who's affordable..Already dishing out too much money for my cognitive therapist.

I write in a journal, vent to people and my therapist, but my depression still spills over. It's gotten so bad that it's even driven my normally caring, compassionate, considerate boyfriend to the point where he's thought of stepping out on me to find a woman who's more stable and happy.

I'm at the end of my rope here... I seriously wanted to SH SO badly the other night when he told me..

And before anyone says anything: My boyfriend doesn't usually think of things like that! He's a caring, sweet , decent man, but I feel that he may just be incredibly stressed out because of me.

I am already going to take a 2 week break from him.

I am just so angry at myself for always being so depressing and un-fun.

I feel so bad..

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innocence's picture
Apr 4, 2012

I barely have an income, so maybe it would work out.

My original post is a little outdated, so I'm sorry for the confusion, Kc.

But thank you for the reply.

I have actually been dealing with it and coping pretty well more recently. My anxiety is a whole different issue, though.

I get mood swings sometimes and have moments of weaknesses. But they usually end as abruptly as they begin, thankfully.

Yeah..depression can be difficult to deal with. I find myself usually more angry than I am depressed. But that's another story and problem altogether.

Everything is okay for now.

Well.. Kc, I hope your depression isn't too bad. The overall feeling of it is a terrible thing for anyone to have to go through.

Jun 12, 2012

Hi, I know what you're going through, I started having some unreasonable ideas that haunted me since I was in high school, and each time I try to overcome one and try to cover it up a new one comes along, it's frustrating making me think all the time, I stop eating and doing anything and I have this pain in my throat with the desire to cry all the time.....
I'm from middle east and I have a skin that is naturally tan- our ppl favour fair skin- so I had always been teased bec of my colour, and from the stress I had acne too, and my hair is curley, and now I'm anorexic too, I take pills to increase my appetite but I still couldn't gain weight,
I finished college and I was from the best students but that wasn't enough, i just wanted to look good,
I managed to gain 20 punds and reached an ideal wt and began to feel better about myself when i again began feeling insecure about my skin... i have a big beautifull eyes, and i use lots of make up and actually look good with it, but i wear Hijab, so ppl cannot see that my make up is lighter than my colour.....
one guy who is fair and blonde prposed to me and he stated that he loved me very much, my family at first refused him but he returned and they accpted him this time, i love him even before he loved me, but i was happy at first when they rejecte him bec he won't get to see me for my real appearance.
i'm having depression and obsessions about my color, and i frequently would be alone and stare at my back and my color and think i'll look bad in any thing...
i know i'm messed up but i can't do anything about it.

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innocence's picture
Jun 13, 2012

Hi Sarah,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm not a professional, but it does sound like you may have BDD. Anorexia is a similar state of mind. Hope is not lost, so don't give up! You CAN get better and do something to help yourself with your obsessions. You just have to change/adjust the way you think.

Start off by making a list of goals each week of things you can do that don't involve your body image or appearance.

Tell yourself that you are beautiful each and every day. I see you are aware that you have beautiful eyes..that is good. What matters is that you know you're beautiful. Other people don't have to see it, but I understand how you feel.

A lot of people in general can be cruel. We can't change other people or what they think of us, but we can change how we think of ourselves.

I do wish you the best.


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