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My father was my biggest bully.

I'm 24 now. All through my childhood my father was emotionally abusive. His father was to him, and the cycle has lasted many generations. My dad could really tear me down like you wouldn't believe. I had zero confidence in myself, eventually was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (which I've grown out of, I think), and all the memories of my father are of him throwing his temper tantrums (literally, like a child's), drinking, the way he screamed at me and made me feel like I was nothing. He never got physical, but a few times he would stick his hands in my face, push and shove me, or corner me. My dad would start making me feel bad about anything he could, pulling things out of the air that hadn't come up in a long time, and he would do whatever he could to make me cry. It was a game to him, and when I cried he laughed and smiled, gloating about how wrong I was. I remember sitting in a family circle where my mom, dad, and sister had to tell me what they thought I did wrong and how I could fix it. Brainwashing, yes. And it was basically a bullying session where I had to absorb these things. I could never disagree.

I don't think I will ever love my father very much. Not like children usually do. And I don't want a father daughter relationship with him. I don't really want anything to do with him. He says he has changed. That he "was pretty angry for a while there... but fixed those anger problems." He has no idea that a while was years, and that it never ever stopped. And I don't think he has changed. He is doing to his new wife slowly what he did to my mother. Just less obvious, but she'll catch on. I just had to share this because I want to move on from this and forgive him, though I don't think we will ever be a happy little family because he is a negative person. Right now I am going through some changes and making sure that I am not going to turn in to him. What is the best way to deal with this? I am still having issues with self-esteem and insecurities. I am using a workbook to help with my anger, and am trying to build myself into a stronger, more positive person. But I need resolve with this issue, because I feel some of my lesser qualities are because of this. I just need to share this, and maybe someone else has very similar troubles, and maybe they will not feel alone.

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[50]
Aug 11, 2015

@Robonukah Try to get a job somewhere else. Even if it's not an amazing job, who cares! You will get an amazing job after some experience. The main thing is that you are away and can live and have a life and not risk your reputation. You can just say "I have a new job, gotta go!" and it's perfectly fine.

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wahlecoyote's picture
[23735]
Aug 11, 2015

In your workbook, have you written a letter to him? Doesn't have to be a letter you actually send. That's up to you. But maybe a letter to tell what he did, how it affected you and for how long, how you now have a zero tolerance for his terrorism and want no part of him in your life. Oh I don't know wing it... Have you done that

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[10]
Dec 31, 2015

You're not alone! Im 47 and only realizing the extent of the sick mind games my father played on my family. I got out lucky. I have issues with anger and tremendous self-loathing, but my sister is in a mental institution and my mother committed suicide. None of those outcomes would have taken place without my father's psychological torture and bullying. Stay strong!

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