***TRIGGER WARNING*** Disclaimer: This poem is about sexual

BlackLily's picture

Disclaimer: This poem is about sexual assault and sexual harassment. As this subject can be extremely sensitive, I advise fellow readers to practice self-care before, during, and after reading this.

Gasoline and Kerosene

He's back
With his keys and chains
His balls and sacks
He never leaves until he gets his cane
He's the one who's broken in cracks
Though I'm the one
Whose thighs still ache in pain
The smile he fakes
The manipulation that he's sane
The excuses he makes

Feeling confused as a starter on nicotene
To the grieving chaos cycle
I'm addicted
As a fire to the gasoline
I burned it
As the methamphetamine
I'm high
But not a good enticing
Rather a quietly whispered sigh
The kind that isn't your sufficing
But when the numb runs out
Leaves you in the cold to cry
Just because my cheeks are rosy
Doesn't mean I don't still doubt

In this unsafe bed I don't feel cozy
In this unsafe bathroom
I contemplate reporting
Though my memory's fuzzy
The feelings consume
Enough to circle round and round
In my head

Here it's all darkness
I can't see a neon pigment, a neon hue
All I can feel in this blackness
Is him behind me
Wrapping his arms around me
Blinded like a fool

I feel shattered
As cracked as he is
I find I'm cracked more
Across the floor scattered
I've decided to deal with the foundation
Constantly rebuilding
For the reconstruction never ceases
This is necessary
For the reconstruction of the pieces hereafter

He was a product of shame in my vulnerability
He barely knows my name
Though the healing causes serenity
He only knew how to talk to my body
Until he came
His asking showed his knowledge
His ability
He thought it was a game
For his own stability
I should've known he was the same
For his charmed characteristics
He knew his capability

He asked if I wanted to continue
In silence I replied
In violence was a worthless clue
This time I cried
His time was due
I never lied
Though to be believed
There were very few
There were two others of my kind

Without justice
We became the surgeons to sew
In the dark
The vulnerable they find
For to find what's serene
We must heal the mind
For anything concrete
This time it's not just about the stitches
Though they always know how to find us
In our seats
Bringing us to our knees

Whether to cope to write
Or to cope to draw
We're still making sketches
He thought he imprinted his image
For permanent seeing
For those who believe this
Are really the wretched
He thought the burns he left on my body
Would cause my only feeling
For those who believe this
They too are numb

For the head on collision is healing
Who cares if they don't believe you
That's their rule of thumb
In this wreckage I'm sealing
For the next time to write I come
I'll know to get to the core of the dealing
For there's more than just me in this forcible sum

The weather played it's tricks
The clock alone ticks
Though this type of day
Was last year in May
This man needed a fix
He assumed I provided the bricks
With a sewn mouth
What was I supposed to say
With a limp, shutdown body
What was I supposed to convey
I wonder how many have stayed silent
Because of him
I wonder how many endured violence
For not keeping their mouths shut
Eyes dim
Mouths slim
How many of them had to endure silence forced
Did they see her cold eyes silvery prim
How many times did he threaten
Out of being coerced

A cup can only take so much to the brim
Especially with lines of brokenness
They say if to the skin you're addicted
You're of the sin in outspokenness
They say if you're infected
Then you're consumed hopeless

This isn't true of the firm
If it was our limbs
They'd have cut our legs off
So we couldn't stand
If it was our burns
They'd define our feet and hands
If it was about chaotic yearns
We'd have stayed in the sand
Instead of the other way turning
To find dry land

We're not the nicotene
Nor the methamphetamine
We're matches set on fire
We're the gasoline
We're balancing perfect above you
On the wire
We're the kerosene
You're just the ashes
We'll stomp all over your soot
For only the leftover stems of the matches
Will be there
Because that's us
We're more than hookups and catches

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Jul 1

I felt your pain.
I am so sorry you when through this, I truly am.
I have tears in my eyes.
I am glad your alive.


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