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Did I consent? Is he at fault? TRIGGERING I'm struggling.

Did I consent? Is he at fault? TRIGGERING

I'm struggling... I have been all week. I read my narrative to my T in session on Monday. Now, it's all I can think about. Can't get it out of my head. I read to her about how an older man drugged me and I woke up to the act. But I left out a big part... this is really embarrassing... I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it... He asked if I wanted him to stop at one point, and I said "no" because he kept doing things (I can't say what without feeling gross)... on one particular spot so long I couldn't help it. It was my "first time". I didn't know it would feel that way, and how to handle it. So I'm starting to second guess getting mad at him, since I didn't say "stop" when he asked. Right? I'm so confused.

I was out cold for idk how long. I woke up because he was doing things to make my body "react" (I can't bring myself to say the word). I swear I didn't want it, but I couldn't move my arms and legs and get away. I could barely get words out. The more I tried to stop the sensation, the stronger it got, and the stronger he got. I felt so sick because he kept telling me to stop fighting it and let it go. He stayed moving in one spot and went harder and faster until I couldn't hold it anymore. That's when he stopped real quick and asked, "so do you want me to stop NOW?" I blurted out, "no... don't stop... please!" I didn't even think about what he said or I said. He laughed hard, and said, "I knew you wanted me" and then he pushed that spot so hard I couldn't help but let it go. I was so embarrassed the sheets got wet, and I'd never done anything like that before. I felt like a freak, like a dirty animal that can't control itself. I must have blacked out again, because I remember waking up again, and it happening all over again. This kept happening, for Idk how long. He would tease me for "letting go" and getting him wet. He made me feel so gross and powerless. But I kept "reacting". Why? What is wrong with me? I swear I didn't want it. It just kept happening.

I've been so sick all week thinking... he's right... I gave him permission. Why do I feel so bad? Why did it feel like torture? I didn't think the "sensation and release" happens unless you love the person. I'm confused because I hated him. No one will believe me because he can say I said not to stop and I kept "reacting" to stuff he was doing. I need some help with this. I need to tell my T, but I'm afraid she'll judge me. I hate myself.

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May 13

@L2015, You are right about all of that. Thank you for breaking it down further. I feel less responsible and just sick thinking about how well he planned this stuff out. My therapist had me rewrite and reread my narrative this past monday, b/c of the important pieces I left out due to shame. There’s still stuff I didn’t include in this entry. Me saying don’t stop and squirting is just what bothered me most. There’s another part of my anatomy that I assume is pretty unique to only 30% of women from what I have read. He discovered it while I was unconscious and tormented me with it. He forced me to climax and squirt over and over again by relentlessly doing this particular thing until it hurt that I feel super ashamed of. Let’s just say it’s above the waist. I had no idea I could orgasm to that part alone. I decided to be open about it with my therapist. It makes me feel sick though. I hate that part of my body now. Sorry, I don’t mean to be so graphic. These are just parts of my rape that I am ashamed of and can’t really talk to anyone I trust about it without feeling sick or gross.

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May 22

Hi again,
Glad that my breaking it down further was helpful to you. And so sorry that you are experiencing so much emotional pain from the abuse.

I was thinking about your latest post. I noticed that you wrote that you hate that part of your body now. Which I think is a normal reaction, considering what happened. I’m imagining you feel like your body betrayed you. Is that where the shame and self-disgust comes from? Because you had a strong response, both in that part of your body, and in the orgasm response? And because you lost control? And because you found some of the sensations positive? If that is why you are hating that part of your body now, may I offer my thoughts on that?

So my thought is this: that perhaps you are hating the part of your body because you feel that part betrayed you. So I was wondering if it would make sense to re-frame the thought as that he assaulted that innocent part of your body. Not that this part of your body betrayed *you*, but rather this part of your body was also raped and betrayed by *him*. So rather than hating that part, would it make sense to see it as a bruised, mistreated child that needs tender sympathy, because it was forced and coerced into obeying him and doing things it didn’t want to do?

I also was thinking about your observation that when you awoke, you could hardly move or talk. I looked up “date rape drugs”, and it sounds like these responses were the result of the drug he gave you. It sounds like a strong drug! The site I read also said date rape drugs can fog up your thinking. If the drug had such a strong an effect on inhibiting your muscles, then it makes sense to me that your brain was affected too. Moral and religious convictions occur in a part of that brain that requires more alertness than simpler thoughts like remembering your name. So it is also possible that the drug made it harder for you to remember your moral convictions when experiencing strong bodily sensations.

I’m also thinking some more about his apologizing to you afterwards, and saying that sometimes he is a slave to his body and feels bad about it. (And that you are a slave to your body too, which I don’t agree with.) I have to admit that personally, I don’t believe him that he feels really bad about what he did and will try to not do it again. I think it’s one thing to realize that you have very strong sexual urges that are hard for you to control; and to feel bad about it, and try to control it, and sometimes fail. But if I were a decent man who had strong religious dictates against extramarital sex, yet still had very strong urges that were hard for me to control, I would pray to God for the strength to control myself, get lots of exercise to let off the excess physical energy and tire myself out, etc. And if I still couldn’t control myself, then I would go to a singles bar and pick up a willing woman who didn’t have religious scruples against extramarital sex, who was okay with giving into her sexual urges, and who hadn’t guarded her virginity at some cost to herself. And who wanted to go home with him for the purpose of having sex. And have consensual sex with her (no need to drug her into unconsciousness); and afterwards feel guilty, and confess, and try to control myself better next time. And if I didn’t want to go to a singles bar, then I would find a prostitute and pay her to have sex with me.

But if I were a religious man trying to live up to the dictates of my religion and finding myself not doing so well against sexual temptation, what I would *not* do is buy a date rape drug, and carry it around with me, and when I go out of town on church business to sneak it into the drink of a younger female member of my religion who has been led by the church to trust me, who is trying to live up to the church’s standard of chastity; and then when she was unconscious, to extremely stimulate her body, and then when she woke up, to manipulate her into intercourse. So I think this man is extremely cunning and manipulative, and very selfish and very sick.

Hope this is helpful. Hope things are continuing to go well with your therapist as you continue on this healing journey.

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May 23

@L2015 - thank you again for giving me feedback. It helps me feel less responsible each time you break certain things down for me. I still find it so hard to think someone I barely knew, who calls themselves a religious man and counselor, would do something so sick and terrifying without a reason. I’m still struggling to make sense of it by trying to find “something” I may have done to cause this, or something I gave off to make him think I wanted it somehow. But I guess I just have to accept that I was a naive victim.

I feel awkward giving certain details, but I wanted to make sure you knew exactly what I was referring to when I mentioned body parts I do not like to this day even. This older man - I'll refer to him as "J", not only forced me to orgasm vaginally, but by stimulating my n*s (I'm sorry, I feel sick saying or typing out the word). I've always known they were more sensitive than most women's. To give you some context - I was molested by my high school art teacher. He fondled me under my shirt and I figured out then that I was more reactive than most women. So I already knew what that sensation felt like. But, when J raped me, let's just say he did several different things to my n*s to stimulate them for an uncomfortably long time, to where it hurt and I actually started leaking from one specific act, I'm sure you can figure out from me saying that. It felt like he was doing what he was doing to torture me, because I think he noticed when I started leaking, and kept doing what he was doing. I had several O*s and sq*d from him stimulating those parts of me for a long time. It was painful, but intensely pleasurable. Because I couldn't move as well as I wanted to, I had to just lay there through it. it felt like being tickled until it was uncomfortable, and not being able to stop the tickler. I continued to leak through the next morning. Fabric from my bra and shirts felt excruciatingly painful for awhile. I googled the morning after about some of the things that happened. I read that it is possible to lactate without being pregnant, from excessive stimulation. And that 1 in 3 women can O* from n* stimulation. So I guess I just felt extremely ashamed that my body was driven to that point. That's why I look at my chest (or n*s) as being gross and vulgar now. I know this sounds sad/bad, but the thought of breastfeeding is a trigger for me now. Something that is supposed to be a maternal bond with her baby, and not sexualized in any way, has become disgusting for me personally. I hate that. He really messed me up.

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