Did I consent? Is he at fault? TRIGGERING I'm struggling.

Did I consent? Is he at fault? TRIGGERING

I'm struggling... I have been all week. I read my narrative to my T in session on Monday. Now, it's all I can think about. Can't get it out of my head. I read to her about how an older man drugged me and I woke up to the act. But I left out a big part... this is really embarrassing... I feel like I can't breathe just thinking about it... He asked if I wanted him to stop at one point, and I said "no" because he kept doing things (I can't say what without feeling gross)... on one particular spot so long I couldn't help it. It was my "first time". I didn't know it would feel that way, and how to handle it. So I'm starting to second guess getting mad at him, since I didn't say "stop" when he asked. Right? I'm so confused.

I was out cold for idk how long. I woke up because he was doing things to make my body "react" (I can't bring myself to say the word). I swear I didn't want it, but I couldn't move my arms and legs and get away. I could barely get words out. The more I tried to stop the sensation, the stronger it got, and the stronger he got. I felt so sick because he kept telling me to stop fighting it and let it go. He stayed moving in one spot and went harder and faster until I couldn't hold it anymore. That's when he stopped real quick and asked, "so do you want me to stop NOW?" I blurted out, "no... don't stop... please!" I didn't even think about what he said or I said. He laughed hard, and said, "I knew you wanted me" and then he pushed that spot so hard I couldn't help but let it go. I was so embarrassed the sheets got wet, and I'd never done anything like that before. I felt like a freak, like a dirty animal that can't control itself. I must have blacked out again, because I remember waking up again, and it happening all over again. This kept happening, for Idk how long. He would tease me for "letting go" and getting him wet. He made me feel so gross and powerless. But I kept "reacting". Why? What is wrong with me? I swear I didn't want it. It just kept happening.

I've been so sick all week thinking... he's right... I gave him permission. Why do I feel so bad? Why did it feel like torture? I didn't think the "sensation and release" happens unless you love the person. I'm confused because I hated him. No one will believe me because he can say I said not to stop and I kept "reacting" to stuff he was doing. I need some help with this. I need to tell my T, but I'm afraid she'll judge me. I hate myself.

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CreativeSoul's picture
(1000)
Jul 3

@L2015 I agree with your rationale about the Roman Catholic Church and how even with their training, and the solemn vow they made, they still did something so horrific. So I can see how the man I trusted to be a good man of God, could be corrupt too.

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CreativeSoul's picture
(1000)
Jul 3

@L2015
1. I feel ashamed because although I desperately did not want it and it hurt terribly toward the end, at the beginning up until maybe midway through, the stimulation felt very pleasurable. It was another instance of the night where I’d blacked or passed out again, and woke up to feeling aroused. His mouth was on one of my n*s, while lightly touching he other other. I found myself showing him that I liked it, by the sounds I made and arching my back etc. So I felt like I unintentionally enjoyed it, not thinking about who he was and what was happening. The more he did it, I finally… Ugh. THAT is where I feel mortified. I allowed myself to have an O* from just that. Maybe I didn’t know that could happen. Idk… it just added to the moments where I felt like I couldn’t control myself and gave mixed signals.

2. My teacher told me I was more sensitive than any other girl or woman he’d touched there. He said my ni*s were larger and longer by comparison. Without going into much detail, I’ve always had to wear heavily padded bras because if not, I’m always showing through my shirts. This older religious man said the same thing about them being large/long. Ugh… I feel sick talking about it.

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CreativeSoul's picture
(1000)
Jul 3

@L2015
3. Yes, I know it now the older I’ve gotten. The thing with my teacher was very complicated. I was very close to him as a mentor and confided in him about something that happened at home. He comforted me, but then began kissing me, touching my chest, and rubbing me down there. Because I was only 15, that was the first time I’d been exposed to anything remotely sexual, I froze up and found my body responding favorably. He even asked me if it felt good, and I stupidly nodded and let him keep going. So I blamed myself as usual, and tried to avoid being alone with him for awhile because I felt ashamed of liking it and getting in trouble. But he was the program instructor for a special art program I was enrolled in, and I had to meet with him at times for reviews and rely on him for help in getting into an art college. So the next time he got me alone, he asked if I was okay, and I explained to him it was against my religion to do ANYTHING sexual before marriage, including self-pleasure. I told him after what happened, I felt things I shouldn’t be feeling, and feel embarrassed about it. He told me it was natural to want to touch those parts, and asked what would happen if my parents and religion found out, and I told him I could get in trouble and if it happened enough times, I could be disfellowshipped (or shunned by normal terms). He said he understood and wouldn’t tell anyone if I didn’t. I asked not to do it again. He said Ok and left me alone for a bit. Eventually, after I began to feel comfortable with him again, he started doing small things again to get me aroused and then eventually, it all happened again. He seemed to be very nice and gentle and I was scared and confused at how I felt. I would ask not to do things, and he would laugh and act like I was just being nervous, and keep going saying my body was telling him I wanted it. So it got to a point where I felt stuck and couldn’t tell my parents or religion because I was afraid of being punished, and didn’t want to upset him because he was nice and helped me a lot. So I just learned to like certain things. He would give me options. This carried on until I was about 19. I blamed myself, and just kept it a secret. We never had real sex - like using his p* in me. Mainly foreplay. So although, I did regularly experience O*s with my teacher, it felt different like exploring. Whereas, the older religious man was mean and rough and was the first person that had ever penetrated me like that and made me sq*. So that’s what made that instance so traumatic. I guess for the longest, I never looked at what happened with my teacher to be “abuse” since I didn’t put up a fight and found him too like a confidant. He also made me feel like I was hyper sexual or something for getting aroused so easily. But idk... It's been an insecurity for a long time now.

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