One of the things that I learned in my treatment center, and

Loveovercomes's picture

One of the things that I learned in my treatment center, and one of the things that I have had to be reminded of recently is that we can RETRAIN our brains. From a young age, I was exposed to sexual contact and content, from that young age I began to train my brain to use porn, it felt good, masturbating felt good, the release that I got from it, for a moment lessened all of the pain and frustration that I was feeling in life. At first, I could use porn once or twice a month to lessen the weight on my shoulders, but the more that my brain became accustomed to that, the more it wanted it. So two times a month became once a week, once a week became three times a week, which became daily, then multiple times a day, at my peak I was so consumed by porn that I couldn't even take a break from work without looking at porn, driving home from work became a time to watch porn, sitting in the Wal-mart parking lot was a free moment that I could use to watch porn.
I understand this feeling of hopelessness, like many of you have expressed I knew that I had a problem, I tried to stop but I couldn't I'd make it a day, if I was lucky. I was lucky and unfortunate enough to be forced into a treatment center for just under a year. At the start of it, even though I didn't have internet, I had my imagination, I had all the past things that I had looked at. I thought to myself how the **** am I supposed to stop? I can't get away from it even when I don't have access to it because it's in my MIND!
One of my treatment providers told me that it was possible, that it's not easy, it's not fun and it's never perfect. But just like the Oregon Trail, which people used to come to this side of the United States for years, the path in my brain has been traveled so many times that the ruts are forever there. You can still find remnants of the Oregon Trail running through fields today, they're there but NO ONE uses them anymore. For those of us who have struggled with porn for most of our remembered life, those tracks that we traveled for so long are always going to be there, but you don't have to travel them. You can make your new tracks and your new trail. Whenever you start falling into those tracks and traveling that path you have to make an effort to get out and continue paving the new way that you want. For me, my new path has been love, love for myself and love for others.
I still to this day fall into my old patterns and travel them for days before I remember where it leads. At the beginning I would beat myself up for being so stupid, but now I look at it and I say, yeah I get it, but Zach that isn't where we want to go, let's turn back and start back on the path we want to be on. It's tough, each day is difficult, but each day I stay on the path it becomes that much more comfortable to me and the old path becomes that much more foreign. I hope that this helps some of you visualize that you can change, that you can change the path your thinking and your coping takes, but it takes time and awareness to do. I love each and everyone of you :-)

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CKBlossom's picture
May 6

Well done, it sounds like you are the road to a better and more balanced life!


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