***Trigger Warning*** (self harm, some detail not graphic, p

***Trigger Warning*** (self harm, some detail not graphic, please don't read if you know it would bring you closer to hurting yourself)

I haven't self harmed in a long time. But lately I have been thinking about it quite a lot, especially when I am angry with myself or someone else or my stomach hurts. Maybe it would make the pain in my heart go away but last time I self harmed I was really weirdly low for about a week. I don't self harm all the time but when I do sometimes I lose control in the moment and do more than I intended. Not to the point of needing to be hospitalized, but having a difficult time covering it up afterwards and feeling it aching for days afterward. It's kind of sick but I sometimes like the aching feeling. It's like a reminder I did a "good" job of self harming. I know that's messed up, but it's how I feel.

But I also feel overwhelmed with shame and I hate hiding it from others and keeping secrets when it comes to intense emotions like that. It can become obvious to people who know I self harm because I generally have the bandages in the same places. When they say "secrets keep you sick" I know what that means now. I need to express myself to people who understand, but as much as possible I don't want to hurt or trigger anybody into doing self destructive things. I know I can't always control what people will do but it's something I always think about.

I hate crying in front of other people. I hate being vulnerable. I hate knowing I am exposing a weak spot that leaves me open to attack, or leaves others room to use my words to hurt themselves. Even around people I feel I can trust I can't help but feel I have to be constantly watching my back because any careless opening can result in an unexpected attack or wound. I know I need more outlets and resources to express myself without fear of retaliation or backlash. I guess in some ways I'm afraid of the emotional pain and I'm afraid I can't cope with it without self harming when it gets really intense. But it's not always helpful. I stopped going to a support group because I became very anxious I was going to trigger someone. It's happened before. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt so overwhelmed with pain and shame and I self harmed because I couldn't figure out how else to repent for causing them so much pain when I could have kept my mouth shut about my own. But I can't always do that either or it feels like I'm going to explode and i hate that feeling too. I'm just really hurting and frustrated and angry with myself. I hate being in pain all the time. I know it won't last forever and I haven't self harmed in a while and I'm afraid it will just make things worse like last time. It made the emotional pain more tolerable but it was more of a distraction because then I was consumed with shame and secrecy which also made the overall pain much worse even though I know I could get through it.