*****Trigger Warning***** I relapsed. After Almost 2 Years.
I relapsed. After Almost 2 Years. I'm holding in so many feelings because I'm scared to let them out because when I do I get told I'm being too emotional or just too sensitive. I believe I know what set me off though, which is a good thing, I think. My wife wouldn't listen to me, and we needed up getting f**ked over by one of her friends on a business trip. She fought me tooth and nail about it too, but I knew in the end we would get f**ked over. Finally I gave up my fight with her and she got her way and then BAM! We got f**ked over. After that, a few days later, that's when it began. I started cutting. I just couldn't take it any more. I have became so numb that all I want to do was feel. Feel something, the pain. Every cut I made, made me smile. Almost made me laugh at one point. It felt so good that I didn't want to stop. Now don't be mistaken. I don't cut to try and kill myself, I cut to feel. And oh how it feels so good. Problem is I know this isn't healthy, and I don't know how to stop. I need help.
Do these sort of situations with your wife arise very often? Do you feel as though no one takes you seriously? That's certainly stressful. Perhaps you are being "too sensitive", but that may not be directly under your control - hence the meds, for example. Have you been working on any of this with a psychologist or shrink?
These situations do happen often and I just end up giving up on my point of the argument because I end up being told I never let her do what she wants. ( You have to understand though, it is very easy to get things over on her. In other words, easy to pull the wool over her eyes. I try and watch her back but she prevents me from doing so by telling me I'm controlling when I'm just trying to help her. So therefore I just stop and let her do them.) As for a psychologist, I never have time to see one.
I'm 1 year 5 months. I understand what is happening. Situation happen and how our minds work against us after we start self harming. Remember to reassure yourself consistently that it is in the past. What matters is right now.