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I self harmed for the first time about a month ago now, i ha

[175]

I self harmed for the first time about a month ago now, i have had thoughts of doing it for over a year, i won’t go into detail on why but the only reason i didn’t carry out those thoughts in the first place was because i was afraid somebody would see like my boyfriend who doesn’t understand it. Last month it all got to much and i hit one of the lowest points i’ve ever been at and tried cutting for the first time and i hate to say it but i liked the way it made me feel and i carried on. i don’t do it because i feel i should be punished i do it for the sense of relief and how it makes me feel. but i was petrified of my boyfriend seeing my cuts but it was inevitable. i thought his reaction would be horrific but he was so lovely about it and has continued to support me. i find it difficult to put into words how i’m feeling sometimes and he feels as though there must always be a cause all the time like something must have happened when sometimes i don’t know why i become depressed my brain just makes me dislike myself and feel worthless and random times or i think i have nothing to look forward to. anyway i want to talk to him but find it difficult to explain myself as i’m very self conscious of sounding silly. today i hit low again and this is about the 4th time i have been desperate to hurt myself and the only thing that has stopped me the other times is because he said i had to promise not to do it again and that if i did he would have no choice but to tell my mum which i would never want to happen as i am extremely embarrassed about my chosen coping method and feel as though nobody would understand or think i’m looking for attention or overreacting which is why i wanted to keep it to myself originally. i wasn’t strong enough to say no to myself and i cut today and my boyfriend seen and i’ve never seen him so upset. he seemed angry at the same time but he said he wasn’t. now i just feel extremely guilty and weak and i don’t know how to stop doing it i dont know another way of coping i’ve just been waiting till the feeling goes away. i don’t want personal help like counselling or for my family or friends to know (my best friend knows because she seen too), but i need some kind of help which is why i turned to an online support group. does anybody have any advice on how to stop or anything? thank you x

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BlackLily's picture
[9600]
Jan 12

@xxxathena All of these reactions are completely normal. I feel because I used to cut myself and this year is going to be my second year without doing so, that the only way to really stop is if a negative experience happens with the cutting or you don't enjoy it anymore. For me it was both, and I ended up getting the help I needed regardless of what my family thought. I know you said you wouldn't want your mom to know or to see a therapist because they might "freak out" however my thoughts are if you want help and out of this rut you are going to have to seek a professional and tell your mom. I'm not telling you what to do, you asked what to do so I answered honestly with my honest opinion of what I know best for advice. I hope things get better for you. Hugs!!! And, the best way to try to get rid of self harm is to try to draw something like a feather with a red pen where you would like to cut until you find that you can manage without cutting or drawing on your arm.

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[175]
Jan 16

thank you so much for replying ♡. it’s been a week and i’ve been feeling more positive i’m more in my routine now. i’ve made a promise that if it gets any worse i will seek help or tell my mum. i just don’t want her to think it’s her fault as she has a lot on her plate at the moment. the feather thing sounds good i will try that thanks so much for your help. was it difficult for you to stop?

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