I just logged on to make a post and now I'm really upset bec

This is going to be a long post I guess.
On the 26th of last month last year around 5pm I got this pain in my side/lower abdomen. On a 10-scale it got up to about a 7 that night, and when I woke up the next morning (Sunday the 27th), the pain was about a 3. I ignored it because I had to go to work from 8am to 5pm. I drove to work and I was only there for about 3 hours before the pain went up to an 8 and I could barely move. I was in too much pain to even drive, so I called my mom to come and take me home. I ended up going to the ER on Sunday night, my dad took me, and we were there for at least 7 hours while we mostly sat and waited because the hospital we went to typically has poor service, but it's closest to where I live. I had ultrasounds and a CT scan done and the eventual conclusion was that a cyst had ruptured and that's what was causing me the pain. They gave me some meds ( I forget the name ) through an IV, and those had 0 effect, so then they gave me morphine which still only took the pain down from a 9 to a 5. By the end of the night they had prescribed me hydrocodone, an opioid, for the pain. I was supposed to schedule a follow-up appointment with an OB-GYN to better understand what exactly was going on with me. I emailed my manager and told her what my situation was, that I wasn't able to get an appointment until the 6th, and that until then I probably shouldn't be working, so she allowed me time off. I work at an animal shelter where I have to deal with dogs that will jump on you and are hard to handle sometimes, and there's lots of heavy lifting involved. I was off work from the 28th of December until the 8th of January. Back in, I'm pretty certain October, we had rescued this dog that was extremely wary of people, and judging by her physical condition we believe that she was used as a breeding dog. We had her on the adoption floor for awhile before something happened and she had to be sent to bite quarantine. Since being with our shelter, she was sent to bite quarantine twice, and after the second time it became dangerous for her. They basically said that if her demeanor did not "improve', and if we could not find a home for her to go to, that she was going to be put down. I didn't think it would actually happen. I thought they would have f*cking tried harder, and I thought she had more time. But when I came back to work on the 8th I found out from a couple of my coworkers that she was put down the day before. I'm mad because my follow-up appointment was on the 6th and I was ok to go back to work the next day. I could have at least been there to say goodbye. I'm so so f*cking angry because they call themselves a no-kill shelter but they still allow unnecessary euthanization like this. I'm angry because THEY COULD HAVE TRIED HARDER. THIS DID. NOT. NEED TO HAPPEN. Now a sweet and innocent and beautiful girl who only needed love and a home IS DEAD. And right now I hate them. I hate them with all I've got. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I want to quit. My heart can't take it. If it happened once, it's happened before, and it's only gonna happen again. She could have been helped if they had just given her more time. All she needed was just a little more time. This needless killing shouldn't have been authorized. It shouldn't have happened, but it did, and no matter how much I want it to change, there's no going back. She's still gone, and she's always going to be. So right now I'm full of anger and hatred and hurt and there's no room to feel anything else. I'm going to be broken over this for a long f*cking time. But I'm not going to quit, because I. WILL, BE. DAMNED. if this happens again and I'm not there to stop it.
**trigger warning start-->
Yesterday I went to the store and bought an entire pack of razors that I'm going to take apart and use to cut the pain away, if even only for a little while. I need to feel something other than this aching grief. <--trigger warning end**
Rest in peace, sweet girl. I will miss you forever and always.

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@Jordan5683 I did hurt myself, and I've cried all day everyday since she was killed, and there's really no one I can talk to. The one friend I have is literally 1,000+ miles away and she's already going through her own things right now. I just can't put this on her shoulders too.

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@Foundlove I did already hurt myself because the emotional pain was just too much to bear, but I really appreciate your comment ❤️ I'm gonna try to believe that she's in a better place now. She had such a only life and she was barely out of her puppy years. Maybe she's somewhere better I guess, where she gets the love and kindness she truly deserves. Thank you

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(2825)
Jan 13

@barefootpoppydream I know it's not the same thing but you can always vent about how you feel on here and hopefully it might be able to help you in some way. Such as getting past the thoughts of self harm. If you don't always feel like talking about it on here, you could write your thoughts down in a journal it can sometimes be helpful.I hope you can find some kind of light through what happened.

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