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I hate everything I went through. I don't wish it on anyone.

Sosh2018's picture
[8375]

I hate everything I went through. I don't wish it on anyone. My new therapist tried to aid my self acceptance by trying to tell me "anyone in your situation would be justified to have thoughts of self-harm/suicide or defeat. She is an excellent therapist overall, and that statement is helpful in one way, but in another way it almost makes me feel justified to self harm. I want to cut so bad right now. And if anyone wants to read on...**trigger warning** I am going to tell my story. I have said bits and pieces before, but here goes: Age 3 I went to my first funeral, I remember how the loved one looked in the casket, I remembered that I grieved even though I was 3. At that same age I remember vividly seeing my mom drunk (I didn't know what drunk was at the time) but I remember what she wore and that something was seriously wrong, because she wasn't acting like "my mom would act". Around age 5, I was bullied by my teacher, and had to switch schools. Around age 7, my cousin pushed to make out with me (I was disgusted), and another cousin showed me sexual acts with my barbie dolls. Around age 10, a "friend" took a shower with me and made many sexual comments (I was not wanting to shower in a sexual way i was a little kid and they were about 6 years older than me). Around age 11 my cousin that showed me the barbie doll thing punched the living daylights out of me for quiting boxing (she wanted me to do it because that's what she wanted). Throughout all this time I on and off was physically abused by my father. When I was about 13, i went through sexual abuse from my parents (one thing is my mom used to continually basically tell me one day my dad would rape me), and literal neglect (for example once I was sick with a high fever and they continued getting drunk instead). Age 14 I graduated from middle school and my mom was drunk and passed out at my graduation (which was also in a church). Age 15 my parents became suicidal, and every moment I looked over my shoulder to try and make sure they didn't succeed. Around 16 I was bakeracted for self harm (not cutting). I used to choke myself, inhale gasoline; etc. Around that time I did eventually begin cutting. Between 17 and 25 (I am 25 now) I was with men who sexually abused me, threatened me, cheated on me, stalked me, manipulated me, etc and an example is of one man that I was with used to actually go with prostitutes and massage parlor women and have them do stuff to him and he said since he told me the truth that should prove its not his fault he also sexually assaulted me more than once and used to creep behind women and expose himself to them without them knowing. Besides all of this, throughout my life as many of you already know, I have been to about 22 funerals, one was for a best friend who I found in her apartment after she took 9 bottles of pills that were scattered everywhere (she lived next door to me for 10 years). I had a close cousin who died of overdose and overheated to death near a lake, and because of mistakes my parents made (not me) i wasn't invited to the funeral (it still eats me alive because my cousin and i were so crazy close). I had another close cousin who died from falling through a 5 story building at age 34. My grandfather died of malpractice, in his home, and I watched them carry his lifeless body out on a stretcher after he died and also saw the blood on the floor where he collapsed. My dad even yelled at me to stop crying and yelling (i was traumatized so that's why i was crying and yelling). I also watched my uncle die from stage 4 cancer, right in front of me too. I watched him take his last breath, and watched them take his body out of the house right after he died too. I have also been severely bullied almost my entire life, in front of crowds of classmates and others. I have been sexually harassed and assaulted/Raped several times by different people (men and women). I have and still do believe in God, but this all has been so much for me. I never fully healed from all of this. Lastly, I grew up in an unsafe neighborhood, (shootings, etc.) and wasn't allowed to even cut my hair or shave my legs because of my dad when I was growing up.

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Sosh2018's picture
[8375]
May 15

@NCMom Thank you very much for your kindness as well. And yea I thought about telling my therapist. I understood what she meant but its almost like my brain wanted to try to use it as a pass to self harm to try and get away from all that craziness that I went through. I actually am a part of a church marriage group with my husband, but they are all older than us. I attend church regularly on Sundays too, and try to pray and read the bible. I want to do more. I was at a point about 4 years ago where I was finally starting to feel free, but then when I got into the one relationship with someone I thought was trustworthy (we went to the same church), he was the one that turned sociopathic (as I spoke of in my life story). After him I felt like it sprung up all the things I actually never dealt with, and made me realize maybe I wasn't free at all. I was just burying it all and pretending to forget it because that's what people were basically telling me to do (mostly those within the church). Thing is...I believe when i accepted God that my Spirit was renewed, but the bible says the soul (consisting of the mind, will, and emotions), has to be renewed daily until the end of the earth. But the way some of them were acting, they made it seem like once I felt free that all that stuff was to be erased and forgotten, and I was constantly told to basically let it all go, when I never actually got through it all to begin with. I go to a new church since then, and a lot of them seem more understanding and accepting, but there is still a hint of mental health stigma. Which I try not to let their views that I don't agree with taint my relationship to God, but it's not easy. Its so sad...I would think Christians would be the most compassionate, but nowadays it seems quite the opposite. I am one of the very few that has compassion mainly because of everything I have been through. I also don't like to judge people for anything, because I know that God doesn't judge but loves everyone and if anything in their life needs to change he will first accept them for who they are and then help them to be transformed. Anyway...sorry for going off on a tangent. I just would love to know people that both believe in God and don't have a mental health stigma.

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Circle_K's picture
[265]
May 16

@Sosh2018 I grew up in a “Christian” doomsday cult that disagreed with therapy and medication. They said if you were depressed or suffering from any mental illness it means you aren’t doing enough for God or you’re not loving God enough. Believing that leaves you with only yourself to blame for your suffering. It’s so strange that people can claim to believe in a loving and accepting god but can’t be so loving and accepting themselves. I’m sorry you’ve experienced all these horrible things. One thing that has helped me overcome certain traumas is to try and find a reason why going through a particular event has made me who I am or how I’m a better person for going through it. All those things you’ve been through, as truly terrible as they all are, have brought you to here and now. You sound like a really good-hearted and caring person. All those awful things, in some way or another, led to who you are today. I don’t know you, but I would assume that’s one really great thing that came out of all that awful.

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Sosh2018's picture
[8375]
May 17

@Circle_K Thank you for your kind reply. And yes I find it to be quite messed up as well. I believe in the loving God, not the way many people portray him through their actions. There is no need to act hypocritical, we've all messed up at times in our lives. I really don't like when people are either hypocritical about it, or they just stigmatize mental health as we were saying. I believe in a spiritual aspect of it yes...but not everything is a "wooooh" thing or needs to be so complicated. I am mentally ill, just like I have physical conditions, my mental condition shouldn't be treated so different.

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