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Haven't posted in a while... feeling a really strong urge to

briannabean's picture
[4205]

Haven't posted in a while... feeling a really strong urge to harm myself tonight. Just yesterday I lost a really good friend. It's really hard to explain what our relationship was like. Almost like boyfriend and girlfriend but he refused to call it that and decided to refer to us as "friends with benefits", and I suppose that is more of what it was. I guess I lost what I felt for him when I realized I was chasing after something I couldn't have. Was also tired of him constantly forgetting our plans or cancelling on me or ignoring me and guilt tripping me when I said something he didn't like. I didn't see how toxic the relationship was for the longest time because I just blamed myself for everything that went wrong.

But I decided to go on a date with a different guy last night, this friend found out, and decided that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He said not to text him again and returned all the gifts I gave him. It hurts. I didn't want to hurt him like that. We argued for hours that day and I guess it just ended in the worst way possible. I can't help but beat myself up for this. I hate hurting people, no matter what. I wanted to keep him in my life, just have him as a regular friend. But he wants me gone. I have to live with that and maybe it's for the best, but it feels like my entire life has turned around and I've lost part of myself.

Sorry if that was just a mess of rambling. I've done okay at holding off the sadness but it's catching up to me and I'm scared I'll end up harming myself for the first time in a long time. It just helps to vent so thanks to anyone who read this. You're all awesome.

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briannabean's picture
[4205]
Feb 20

@L2015 Sorry for the late reply. Me and him made no agreement and whenever I brought it up to him he made it sound like I wasn't really his first choice or that I could be easily replaced. Or maybe that's just how I interpreted it. I think he just expected me to stay stuck on him so he could have a relationship when he wanted it. But I was tired of just being what felt like a sex buddy more than anything. I wanted to just be regular friends with him, but in the end told him I'd respect what he wanted. When I first met him he was a lot different, but over the last couple months he changed a lot and just didn't seem to care about me at all. I've talked to all my friends about it and they're all on my side and happy that I'm doing something good for myself. I wanted to try drawing or writing to distract myself, unfortunately right after all that happened I got really sick and didn't have the energy to do much except lay in bed. I probably would have hurt myself if I'd had the strength and would have cried more if that didn't make it so hard to breathe (I'm recovering from a lung infection). For some reason now that I'm almost recovered from the illness and infection, I'm thinking about it a lot more and the temptation to harm myself is really strong again. There's little reminders of him everywhere that hurt. It doesn't help that the last day we talked we were arguing for hours before he made me come pick up all the presents I'd given him. Sorry I'm rambling again. The guy I'm dating right now seems to care a lot more about both of us just having fun and hanging out and has helped out a lot with talking to my head manager at work about letting me take more time off to recover. I usually talk to him when I'm feeling down cause he tries to understand and listen no matter what it is. But I also don't want to dump all my problems on him. Thanks for the reply and for understanding my side. It means a lot that people are willing to listen :)

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[1470]
Feb 20

I know it was tough at that moment, but you did the right thing. You are pursued, by someone who chooses to be with you and loves everything about you. The other guy only had lust for you and that’s it. It feels good to vent and don’t apologize for rambling. Sounds like everything he’s doing is to make you feel guilty. You stood your own ground and something wonderful came out of it. Your happy now that is all that matters. In the end you did the right thing and if he’s hurt over it then maybe he wasn’t a man to begin with.

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[2960]
Feb 28

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am sorry for your pain and hurt. You are so strong. I am here if you need to chat. You are not alone. BIG hugs and so much love to you!!

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