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****Trigger Warning**** I started self harming about two ye

Starfly's picture
[80]

****Trigger Warning****
I started self harming about two years ago. It was an accident the first time but...it was different. I was under so much stress at home, at school...but the pain it caused stopped it hurting so much mentally. Is that weird?

After that I just couldn’t stop. I’ve never cut, because I always wear short sleeves, always and if i suddenly started wearing long sleeves my mum would KNOW something was wrong and I don’t ever want her to know. She can’t find out. She's under enough stress, in enough pain and has enough to deal with right now without having me to add to her problems. I’m not important.

Instead of cutting, I scratch and i guess that's just as bad, but in a way it doesn’t seem quite so bad. I used my compass at first, then the sharp corners of pen lids, my nails, anything sharp really. Then i had a really bad day and i was terrifyingly close to using the blade of a sharpener to cut. But I stopped myself, broke down crying and scratched my wrist to pieces then hid it under a wristband.

Mum didn’t suspect a thing.

Then my friend found out. I begged her not to tell anyone, but at the same time I was begging her for help. She didn’t tell, she still hasn’t. Another friend overheard us talking, but she didn’t tell and i knew she wouldn’t, because that would mean admitting that she self harmed as well. She gave me knew methods, like breaking the metal bit on a pencil with a rubber and using the sharp bit, then her mum found out. She's stopped now, but never told.

I stopped for a short while, but then my dad became depressed and things were worse at home than ever. There were fights constantly, I was a mother to my own sister, I was tired and worn out. I started again and I didn’t stop.

Today my friend, practically my sister, found out, but she cuts. Why does it seem like the world is falling to pieces around me?

You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about doing it. Catching the bus. I can barely bring myself to say the word. Suicide. Nobody has any idea how often I’ve laid in bed listening to the voices inside my head tell me how worthless I am.

I’m so tired. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

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worstcurse's picture
[3170]
Jun 13

It sounds selfish, but you must make yourself a priority in order to start recovering. Your life is at stake. How can you help your family and friends if you are gone? Make sure that your parents start looking for a therapist and be ready to try several different antidepressants until you find one that works for you.

You may think that your parents are under too much stress, but if you make it clear that they need to get you help, they will be only too glad to start the process. When they're working together to help their child, you might even see a reduction in fighting/arguments.

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[445]
Jun 14

I'm so sorry you are hurting inside! I do understand that pain that feels crushing and unbearable! You said it all in your statement "I don't matter". The truth is that you matter very much! While you are being so thoughtful of others not wanting them to find out because they'd be worried sick about you, you are forgetting the most important person that needs your love and attention...You! You life has value and worth, even when you don't feel it or see it. Pain is hard to accept and sit with. However, it's in the pain that our life gives us the greatest feedback for what needs attention. Is it possible for you to look at the pain inside as a message of the love and value you have and need? Self harm is an addiction in due time. You so perfectly described the process of escalation. As you stated the effect isn't as effective as that first time and the temptation to take it even more seriously is wearing you down. The only way to combat this is determine you won't believe the lies that run records in your head and realize that you need to be your best advocate. Please talk to your mom about getting some extra help if you aren't finding it on your own! You are worth all the support and love! We were made to need others to lean on. We can't fight these battles alone. If others are in too much pain themselves to help than we need a 3rd party that can be that healthy voice to remind us of our value and worth. Dialectical Behavior Therapy is extremely helpful in offering skills to combat and work through the pain. I leaned in a act beyond pain class that if we will sit with the pain and really narrow in on where it is, the size, the feeling, the root it doesn't have as much power as we once had. I recently learned when pain comes up to say outloud "I see you and I accept you". When we struggle to feel self worth we need to hear someone sees the pain and we are acceptable regardless. Another helpful tool instead of cutting or scratching is drawing the pain out on skin or notebooks. It's a way to get your mind off the pain without putting yourself through more physical pain and harm.
Hang in there! Keep fighting the good fight. You are worth it! Big hugs! You're not alone!

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