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**Trigger** I cut again today. I couldn't help it, I hard

briannabean's picture
[2020]

**Trigger**

I cut again today. I couldn't help it, I hardly even thought about it, I just started doing it and my head didn't clear up until I was done. I hate admitting that it felt good, but it did, especially after going without it for so long. I told my therapist I didn't want to see her anymore and I'm tempted to stop taking my medication. I feel like I'm a lost cause anyways so taking medicine and seeing a therapist would just be a waste of my parent's money. I feel like I'm just a waste of money, time, and space. I really am better off dead, no matter what other people say. I guess I just can't understand why people care about me and why they would even be the slightest bit sad if I were gone. I just really can't see why. It's not like I'm special, I'm just one person out of billions, so I don't see why everyone acts like it's the end of the world whenever I say I want to kill myself. I'm trying to stop saying that around people, so then they can stop worrying and can stop watching me, and then I can commit suicide when they finally all relax and give me more space. I'm getting better at pretending to be happy and okay, so I think people are gradually worrying less and less, even though things are worse then they've ever been before.

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briannabean's picture
[2020]
May 16

@initwithyou61 I did recently start journaling (though I haven't done it in a while), my friend recommended that I try it. I mainly do it to put all my thoughts on paper, because more often than not it feels like they're stuck in my head and I can't control them. So writing them down helps me.

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briannabean's picture
[2020]
May 16

@lovetodance2018 I have started journaling more, and sometimes it does actually help. Its just that when depression is constant it's heard to look past it. I don't really have episodes, I might have a few hours of each day where I'm happy, but other than that I'm in a constant state of depression. I've cycled through so many medications and now I've even tried therapy and it's not working, so it's hard to remain hopeful. This forum does help sometimes though, which I'm grateful for. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me :)

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[710]
May 18

@briannabean I am glad you are journaling. I think it is so important to take our thoughts captive. I know when I struggle with depression it is so hard to do that. But the strategies in the book Battlefield of the Mind (https://bit.ly/2IQhptu) are really helpful. Give it a read and see if it helps. I am happy to discuss things with you anytime. I am glad this forum helps some and keep letting us know how you are doing I will continue to pray for you and that you will be able to be get through this depression.

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