I have never tried any kind of support groups before so I gu

I have never tried any kind of support groups before so I guess that means things have been pretty bad for awhile now. I am hoping to find people out thier who can relate. I have been married for many years now and the last couple have been so very hard. I have explained to my husband how I cant help but feel very hurt and full of anger and resentment, in which case I have brought up divorce but he will not accept divorce as an option. It is not that I want to give up. I love him and I care about him and I want (and have always wanted) our marriage to last forever but we have been trying for years now and it has only gotten worse over time. He wont change and even if he does, sadly at this point with the way I feel now, it may be too late. I am too hurt and even though sometimes I want to, I can not trust him anymore. He has taken away who I am...my reputation is gone. He has brutally slandered my name to my family and his and I dont want it to hurt me anymore but it hurts me so badly. I just dont understand it. I feel that he is not the same man I married long ago. We have been struggling so hard in our marriage for a long time now. I dont know what to do. My parents divorced when I was very young and both of my step parents were very abusive in different ways. I dont wan my kids to suffer through divorce and I want to protect them from even the possibility of a step parent coming into thier lives. I am so sad but I have nobody to talk to about this. I dont trust anyone and I will never be able to understand how everyone just so easily believes every horrible, discusting thing he has said about me. Especially my family. They should know me, they should know who I am. Sure I am not perfect but at least have the decency to come to me and ask what is really going on instead of so ignorantly believing every discusting thing that is said about me. There is so much more but there is not enough time to go on. I am hoping to find other people out there who are going through or have already gone through a similiar trial.

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[300]
Oct 17

@PieceByPeace Hi. I am sorry to hear that you have experienced this. I was a stay at home mom for seven years and had no friends to socialize with during that time. I was always stressing over what little finances we had and the fact that we were having a hard time paying all of our monthly bills...I dont know the exact reason why but eventually I had started to feel very isolated and became depressed. My first thought process was that I needed to do something for myself that would be stress relieving so I started going to a women's fitness center. That is when my husband changed. He made me feel bad for going to the fitness center for an hour a few times a week. He would be very angry when I got home and he acted as though he had been home with our kids all day when it had only been an hour. Because past abuse from my step mother (13 years of it) I felt very angry and upset at his behavior toward me and in turn became defensive about it. I couldn't help but think, "Wait a minute. I am # years old, I am an adult and I will no longer be told what I can and can not do."
I have only had one session with his counselor so far.....it was last friday. I am going to go every friday. I was and will remain completely honest with them. I met with the counselor and an hour later he said, "Can you come back later?" So I went again, on that same day for another hour and a half. The counselors response was, "I am sorry to hear that it has gotten so far to this point." And I said, "I am too." :[ Thank you for responding.

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[300]
Oct 17

@WoundedDuck Thank you WoundedDuck. I will give this a read.

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[220]
Oct 19

@DeeplyHurting thank you for your kind words. I, too was a SAHM for 9 years. When my youngest started kindie I went back part-time. I worked part-time for 2 years and full-time for 2 years after that. I am back home now full-time...but divorced (my ex was unrepentant) and remarried. My kids are now almost 11 and 14, and now I have a 16 yr old SD and 13 yr old SS. When my boys were little and I stayed home with them, I remember that same feeling of isolation. Fortunately, I was invited to join a MOMS Club and it was the best thing for my sons and I because it got us out of the house and we made some great friends along the way. It kept me sane during a very toxic marriage. I wish all SAHM's had access to groups like the MOMS Club or MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) because it is a healthy outlet for both moms and our children. I am so sorry you didn't have this experience as a SAHM.

In regards to doing things for yourself, I was always willing to do things with and for my kids, but rarely did I ever do anything just for myself during those years (I still struggle with this). My (ex) husband often laid guilt trips on me for not working...deep down I knew my place was at home with my boys so I continued to stay home, but it was enough to keep me from nourishing myself. Spending any kind of money was always stressful, even though we weren't hurting financially. I suppose if I went back to work we could have bought that boat he wanted, but I wasn't going to go to work for a boat. But doing anything just for me...i.e. getting my nails done, buying anything for myself, extracurricular activities with friends...came with hesitation and guilt and honestly I rarely did any of those things as a result. Fast-forward 14 years into motherhood and now married to a man who encourages me to nourish myself...but that old lie still lingers in me so I struggle.

I tell you these things because I want you to know that you are not alone. I can't help but wonder why your husband feels threatened by your attempts to self-nourish? My guess is that his reasons go deeper than what he's expressing to you or even your counselor at this time (he may not even know himself). I have learned that self-nourishment isn't selfish, unless you are "nourishing" yourself in unhealthy ways that are destructive to yourself and family. Self-nourishment is actually beneficial to your family because when you feel refreshed you come back to your family that way and that benefits everyone. Perhaps your husband just doesn't understand this...or maybe he hasn't experienced it? Or maybe he grew up in a home where his parents didn't do this either (that was true for me, which added to my guilt & hesitation on top of my husband's abuse) so it feels foreign. Does he do anything to nourish himself?

Keep going to the counselor...keep the communication lines open. And never, under any circumstances, doubt that being a SAHM was wrong for you and your family. I am praying for you, your husband and children. God is with you all.

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