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Extremely long rant... I had to get it off my chest... Wh

Extremely long rant... I had to get it off my chest...

Why do I have a voice if it can't be heard? Why do I feel like a failure to myself and everyone around me? Why should I even care? Why? Why should I give a care about everyone else in my life? Do I even have a life? These are the questions in the forefront on my mind. For days, I've been feeling loneliness, hurt, and harsh criticism from myself and others about trivial matters or the simple mistakes I do. I'm tired of being treated like a child even though I am twenty-five years old. I'm sick and tired of being pushed around. Even if I do stand up for myself, no one takes me seriously. NO ONE. I secretly think they're laughing at me (sometimes I have seen them laugh about it) because I'm acting "like a baby" but crying is my natural way to get my emotions out. It's not my fault I'm too sensitive. I'm just tired of it. The problem is that I have no one to talk to about these issues. I don't have anyone one in my life to actually trust. I'm quiet and don't go out so I don't have friends as for my family, they're a pain in the butt most of the time but I still love them regardless of how I'm feeling. Still, the trust is not there. I wish I could fix my broken heart. It feels like it's broken into a million pieces and it can never be fixed. Lately, whenever I feel extreme stress and anxiety (another problem in my life), it feels like my heart can't take it anymore. I've felt my heart being emotionally pulled when I go through a traumatic event in my life (which has happened multiple times) but only mentally. It's been different lately; this time it more like a physical sensation and I don't know if I should be genuinely concerned or not. The bottom line is that I'm not happy with my life and I feel like I can't control it. Part of me wishes (and I mean desperately wishes) that a stranger will one day come up to me and say, "I know what you're going through but you're going to make it. You will." I really want to hear those words because I know I'll never say them to myself. No one knows what I go through when I'm at my lowest like right now. I'm not strong and whenever I try to disconnect my emotions to make my heart tougher, people think I'm a **** when I get angry but THEY'RE the ones who did it, who made me behave like this. I'm tired of it. I want to heal my heart my broken heart so bad, but I don't know where to begin. I don't know who to turn too. I'm afraid that someday it going to cost me dearly if I don't help myself. I don't want to go deeper into the rabbit hole; I'm already in deep enough. I'm reluctant to admit this but a few times this year, when I was at my low point, I did have a few of THOSE thoughts if catch my drift but I knew (and still know) better because I'm not that desperate...yet. It's one my fears when I'm at this point. Every once in a while, whenever I feel sad or feel that no cares about me, I think to myself 'Nobody would care if I disappeared one day. They'll be saying, thank goodness she's gone.' I know it's a poisonous thought but it's one I can't get away from. I don't know want to do anymore. I honestly don't. I don't know what to expect by posting this, but I had to tell somebody. I'm tired of keeping it all in.

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ResolutingWarmth's picture
[70]
Oct 10

Thank you all for the positive thoughts and love. :) Most of the time, I'm generally fine but at least once a month (I suspect due my anxiety and stress), I feel like this. One moment I'm fine then the next *BAM*. I feel an intense emotion like loneliness, sadness, or worthlessness (sometimes two of them together). It usually last a day or two but this this time it's long. Life keeps throwing hard balls at me all this week and people keep making me angry but I'm coming out of it now. I KNOW I'm strong, smart, and resilient. I am capable on taking on the world but when I'm at my low point, it's extremely difficult to see the light in front me. Reading all these comments warms my heart up knowing there are others like me out there experiencing what I'm feeling. I don't feel like this 24/7 but when it comes, I can't stop the tsunami. I just wait it out.

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[3110]
Oct 12

@ResolutingWarmth WOW! Sorry you have had such a rough time. It is unfortunate that most of us go through early childhood believing what our parents and others say or do is the truth. The fact is the adult behavior we endure is not the truth at all much of the time.

You are actually a beautiful person with all of the necessary qualities to make it in life. How do you do that? You start by recognizing that those negative thoughts and feelings you have about yourself are not who you are.

They were put there at a very young age and because you had little understanding of the world, you believed them. So your parents’ beliefs along with the beliefs of other important people in your life became yours without you even knowing it.

We all carry those negative beliefs into adulthood thinking we are wrong, or bad, or hateful, or ugly or stupid etc. when in fact we are at our core compassionate, loving, peaceful and naturally giving. We don’t recognize these positive qualities because the negative ones have become so dominant that everything else is pushed into the background.

The secret to changing it so our positive qualities shine through is to create an intention to BE those positive qualities. For example, you can create an intention such as –

I am happy and peaceful in all aspects of my life.

Repeat your intention to yourself frequently (300 or 400) time during your day, immediately before you go to sleep and as soon as you wake up in the morning. Be in a good mood when you repeat your intention. You can get in a good mood by remembering something that made you happy. If you start to have negative thoughts, drop them immediately and repeat your intention.

Believe that your intention will produce the happy and peaceful life you want. Be grateful each day for the people or things in your life that make you feel good. Repeat your intention until it becomes a habit and eventually it will become automatic (it will repeat itself with no effort on your part).

Once it becomes automatic you will realize that your intention has become who you are. You will truly be experiencing happiness and peacefulness in your life. How does that happen? It happens because your repetition of your positive intention overrides your negative view of life and becomes established as the new you.

In other words you will have deliberately created a new belief about yourself in the same way that you created a negative one as a child without knowing it. Then you can truly enjoy your life whether you are in a relationship or not. You will feel for the first time that you are in control and can manage any setback simply by reasserting your positive intention. You will have found the secret to happiness.

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[4290]
Oct 13

A little late to the conversation but I just wanted to also encourage you that this is a great place to get all the feelings out and find the support in the hard moments! Hope you are continuing to feel better that you were at the beginning of the week. Since you mention that you are dealing with anxiety and stress, are you working with a doctor and/or counselor to help with those?

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