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I'm not feeling too good. I've been thinking about just kill

[20]

I'm not feeling too good. I've been thinking about just killing myself for several weeks. Maybe months. Ever since my last series of psychotic episodes. I've told my family, they just said I can't do that. The doctors continued with my same meds and recommend I call the crisis line if I feel like I'm going to do it. I just want the racing thoughts to stop. I keep replaying different points in history in my memory and reliving it. I keep trying to mentally stop time. I want to go back and change things. I haven't seen my daughter in person in over a year because I can't get my act together enough to be in her life. In my last series of psychotic episodes I lost my girlfriend, my job and alienated myself from all of my friends by posting way too much on social media. Saying stuff like "yeshua yes you are" and claiming to be a Navy seal. I look back at that and just think " what a f***ing idiot" I hate myself and this disease but mostly myself. I feel like I can't talk to people. I feel like all my social skills are gone and I'm just a piece of sh*t. I've had a gun under my pillow with one bullet in the chamber for a couple weeks. Every morning I wake up and think I should just kill myself so I don't have to deal with this another day. But I can't work up the courage. I keep thinking about how my daughter will feel and that stops me. I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up for much longer.

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[1075]
Aug 14

How are you tonight? What has transpired since leaving these messages? Concerned.

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