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Several months ago, I wrote here about issues with my lifelo

Several months ago, I wrote here about issues with my lifelong best friend. She had become quite controlling in our friendship and was blaming me for not being supportive in our friendship. As a result, she had told me a few times that she needed time alone etc.,. This was all very stressful for me, as I didn't feel that I had been a source of the difficulties and yet I wanted to support her. Our friendship has limped along for the last two years, with her sometimes stating that I haven't been supportive and her blaming me for the problems. I have been careful with her, watching what I've said and this has become draining. Recently on a Friday, I had spoken to my friend a couple of times about something that she was facing. We talked about solving the problem, and I thought that things were temporarily resolved. I went away early the next morning and later that afternoon, I called her to check on her. She didn't pick up the phone that day or the next and on the third day she did, but she was angry with me for not having called her on the Friday night when she said that she had needed me. She told me that she couldn't call me because she didn't have the energy. I spoke to a counselor about this and the counselor told me to speak to my friend about my concerns which I did. I don't regret doing that. The risk I took was that my friend would pull away from the friendship which she has done-stating she doesn't want to be part of this toxic cycle. She said that she is going to work on her issues but after a lifetime of knowing her, I don't necessarily believe this, instead feeling that her anger won't die and she will permanently end the friendship, which I have no control over. I don't regret saying my concerns about the friendship. I felt that if I didn't, I was just continuing to allow her to control me in terms of blaming etc.,. I just regret that doing this, may have been the catalyst to end the friendship entirely. That's where I feel the anxiety. Thank you.

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[380]
Sep 18

I have started to read the book now. I appreciate your comments. They have been incredibly helpful. When I saw her e-mail message show up the other day, I didn't want to open it, which indicates how conflicted I've been about the likelihood of a negative response. I'm reading the book and hopefully will pick up some tips to help me in this situation and others. Thank you!

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[380]
Sep 19

Another e-mail from my friend. She is saying that she simply wanted me to know that she wanted a call from me that Friday night(she hadn't called me or asked me to call her) and that when I called her the next day in the afternoon, it was what she considered to be hurtful that I had waited so long(I was hundreds of miles away at the time). She said that she can talk to her therapist about a joint meeting, but she feels that it will collide with her world(and I'm not surprised). I think she wants to move on in terms of resolving this, but I need to keep reading that book in the meantime. I can't be held hostage for not calling at the time that she feels that she needs me. The part that I feel overwhelmed with is that she is now telling me that she simply wants me to understand the importance of me having called that night, as she needed me to check in with her and her feeling that my resulting feelings are really strange and she just wants to get back on track with me realizing that had I just called her when she needed the support, then we can work on things from here. I feel that we will continue to go down that rabbit hole, and I so much want that old friend back-not this new version.

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[380]
Sep 20

With this last e-mail from my friend, I am finding myself once again going through the whole series of this last event with my friend. Her elderly pet was ill and had been ill for some time. On the Friday morning, she called me to tell me that her pet was suddenly that much more ill. I wasn't able to call back immediately as I was at work, but I did call back. We discussed the situation and later that morning she called back to tell me that she was going to take her pet to stay at the vets for a few days and then see if the situation improved. That night, I was packing to go away on holidays for a few days and I left early in the morning the next day. That afternoon, I called her as I had previously said and the next day and the next. In her most recent e-mail she has said that if I acknowledge the pain that this had caused her, by not calling her on the Friday night, when her pet died, this would be a start in fixing things. I never could have known that her pet died Friday night, and I did call for the next 3 days, but she didn't pick up the phone until the third day. When I later told her that my dealings with her have made me anxious, she is now saying that she finds it bizarre that I would say this and that by just acknowledging that my inaction of making that Friday night call, would be a start in improving things. She also mentioned that she has upcoming events that are causing her a great deal of stress and difficulty. She hasn't asked about me at all. In any other relationship that I have in my life, if someone is stressed about something where they need to talk to me, they would just call me. I am not clairvoyant and had no idea that her pet would die that night. This is a roadblock that she has set up. I haven't answered her e-mail because I suspect there is nothing that I can say that will be the right thing. She feels that my meeting with her and the therapist is not a good idea. I am not going to see eye to eye with her on this because by my not making that one call when she feels that she needed it, at the time that she feels she needed it, I have "failed" her. Yes, I am reading the book on Boundaries. I am feeling that her e-mails bring this cycle right back to the forefront.

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