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My mother passed away July 8th at age 87. I live in Califor

[65]

My mother passed away July 8th at age 87. I live in California. She lived in Ohio a few miles from my two sisters. I flew out 2 days before she died and was with her as she died. I checked with the funeral director and he said we could have the service the following Saturday. I flew back to California with plans to fly back out the next Saturday for the service which everyone said was fine. Without telling me my 2 sisters set the service to be on Thursday instead. They didn't even tell me. I am so angry and hurt. I am not talking to my sisters. I rarely talked to them before though.
I am the oldest - 58 years old. One sister is 57 and the other is 50. I think they have always been jealous of me. They say I act snooty but I don't mean to do that. Example: When we were at the hospital with my mother we went to the cafeteria at the hospital. We were getting food and I picked some hummus. The remark was "When did you start eating weird yuppy food like hummus." I honestly did not know what to say or how to respond. It was like an accusation. I just shrugged. Some history: I did well in school. Was valedictorian and got perfect scores on my SATs. I come from a lower middle class family - kind of hillbilly but my dad and mom were both good people. Our parents divorced when I was 16 but we all stayed close to both of them and in the last few years they became friends again. When I was 17 I got a scholarship and went to college in Maryland and then when I finished I moved to Ca and got a job that pays well. Both sisters dropped out of high school and had children and had to go on welfare. Our dad, who worked hard in construction and invested well in real estate with his second wife (who died a few years ago - my sisters both HATED her) bought the youngest one a down payment on a trailer. She could not keep up the payments and lost the trailer. SHe has borrowed money from him and not repaid it and he tells me he's done loaning her anything else. He allowed the 57 year old to live with him after she left her husband. She was supposed to pay rent but hasnt so far. He likes the house kept clean and she is VERY messy. He was also concerned that she was using his credit cards. He moved her into another house that he owns and tells me he knows she will not make the rent but at least he will have his own home how he likes it. Both of the sisters are on disability though neither is disabled at all. THey spend their disability checks on things like music concerts where they talk about dancing all night and riding a limosine rides to the concerts . But then they n have to borrow from our dad because they have no money even for groceries. I think he kind enables them but I figure it's none of my business. It does bother me but I am pretty good at shutting it down usually. I should note we have different fathers. Their father adopted me when I was not even a year old and we are very close. When I go visit he introduces me to his friends as his good daughter. He's pretty disgusted with them behind their backs but he is very sweet to them to their face. It's all awkward for me so I kind just avoid it. I enjoy being with my dad when he can come visit me and when I go visit him I try to avoid time with my sisters because it is stressful to me.
Without ever meeting my daughter in person (by design on my part) they friended her on Facebook and she tells me they gossip to her about me... I cant figure out about what since they rarely see me.
Anyway... there's a lot of history and since my mom died and they did that trick with the funeral I have felt so hurt and angry. I keep remembering other things that they did that make me angry. (I've loaned both of them thousands of dollars which have not been repaid; the gossip to my daughter. The funeral; both have been arrested for driving while high ... Just lots of small things that are all adding up. I could go on and on... I guess I have actually.) I AM judging them - I cannot help that - but I keep it to myself. The problem here is taht I just can't seem to stop stewing. I want to find a way to stop the negativity that is in my head right now. I know it's not helpful and its only hurting me. I just cant seem to make the angry thoughts stop. I am also concerned that my dad is getting taken advantage of. After my mom died they went through her house and took everything, I don't care about that at all... but it's one more thing going through my negative mind. Ive been trying meditation to get rid of the negativity but it is not helping. It's hard to stay focussed on my job and I know my work is suffering. My husband is a sweet man but I cant really talk to him about this. He'll just say to take the high road. I'm trying to do that but I feel so angry inside I am thinking about seeing a psychiatrist to see if there is some sort of medicine I can take to help me feel more calm about this. It's not affecting other relationships but I am wasting so much time thinking about all the ways they have upset me. I feel so angry with them. The funeral was really just the final straw. I want nothing else to do with them. Is that wrong?

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Believerinbetter's picture
[9390]
Aug 11

The whole situation with them replanning the funeral without telling you is cruel. Im sorry for the loss of your mother. Its crazy how unsettled jealousy or problems from childhood can seep its way into our lives. This is waaay easier said than done, but living in the past only will prolong the problem. Im sure there is a long list of all the ways they've hurt you, but now is a good time to focus on healing. If you feel u need to see someone for medicine, you should consider the risks and what not, then do it if you feel like it will help you. As far as forgiving them goes, forgiveness gives peace for the victim. I think its a vital step. But that doesn't mean you have to be close with them again overnight. If you need to call them just to let them know, "I forgive you,but I need space right now" that would be a good choice. But im bias; I think most people deserve second chances. But the funeral thing was an ultimate betrayal. Oh gosh, I wouldn't even want to imagine someone doing that to me. Anyways, I hope you find healing. I also hope your sisters eventually come around and give you the respect and consideration that a person should have.

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[65]
Aug 12

Thank you. I went to urgent care because it was going to take too long to get an appointment with my primary physician. They gave me Wellbutrin which is helping a lot already with the thoughts racing. I think that was a good decision. I will be able to focus on more important things than the pettiness of my sisters. I forgave them for my own peace of mind. I will be civil and cordial if they contact me. But I also just don't see a reason to go out of my way to have them in my life. I don't need to call them. They know how to reach me if they decide to do that.

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Believerinbetter's picture
[9390]
Aug 13

@susieqh thats good that u are doing whats best for you. The way u handled the situation was good.

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