Lonely and depressed. I have not posted before, I am new her

Lonely and depressed. I have not posted before, I am new here. Briefly, I left an abusive relationship 11 years ago, thanks to my current partner. Now, I am just miserable. You never know what bumps in the road you will encounter in a relationship. We have 2 young sons. One has major issues, probably high functioning autism and can not sleep in a room alone. The second has severe anxiety issues, and he refuses to sleep alone. All decisions we have made thus far I THOUGHT were joint decisions including bed sharing with one kid and allowing the other in the room on a separate bed. My partner had to have his dad sleep in his room until he was 10! I have chronic pain and ptsd and anxiety from my former relationship. Well, we have a nice expensive king sized bed, my partner suddenly has been relentless the kids sleep in their room. Heck I cant blame him, but yelling and being mean isnt going to get us there. Well, he wanted me to sleep back there with them. Picture this, my adult body in constant pain climbing up into a loft bed with a 4 inch cot mattress to sleep on, to share with a very large child (he is a huge kid on all accounts). Man, the pain and agony of just getting in the bed alone is unmeasurable. I can not believe I agreed to this. So now he has his own room, and has really no clue why I am upset, exhausted and in pain. I just have not been working, so I feel a bit bad about myself as a person, like I am unimportant. He is not the guy I met, he uses sarcasm constantly and says if he could be around his friends he could get it out of his system, but we have few friends and of course covid. So he may be joking, but he never says anything nice. I have told him how I feel. He says its just how he is. He does love me, I believe that. However I believe he absolutely thunks of his own needs first above all else. As a parent, you just can't. I did not mean to create difficult children. To top it off, we have guardianship of my grand daughter and that hqs been difficult. I commend him for sticking through some tough times. However, he has had some real troubling times he had to go through a miserable medical treatement for a year. We didnt have sex for 2 straight years. No he is not cheating, I am 100 percent certain. I have a much higher sex drive than him. Maybe there is too many unresolved issues to list. Now, he is offended I won't go into his room and snuggle, really just snuggle. But, I feel like he just tossed me away. Like my feelings do not matter. I just feel discarded. No I dont need advice on the co sleeping. We have worked with countless doctors and therapists and also read countless books on this. I tried my hardest to do everything offered meticulously. We finally got the asd kid to sleep through the night most of the time anyway, with an extremely strict bedtime routine and medication. If I try to have them be alone, there is excessive vomiting and no sleep for me as I am up cleaning it amongst other things. I have bent over backwards to find solutions, but he was angry so now I don't have the only bed that I could sleep on without causing me agony, and I do not share a room with my partner. I just don't even know what to do anymore.

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Littlesis7's picture
Mar 4

That is quite a lot to be handling for you, especially the whole complicated bed issues...sorry.
This might sound lame but is there any way to make a rotating sleeping schedule or something that makes you both share responsibilities equally? Does he not understand that neither of you are going to be able to function properly without good REM sleep?
If he has truly given up then it's time for couple's therapy if he will agree? If he won't then he is no dedicated partner...they are also HIS sons -correct?
I absolutely feel for any parent having the issue of challenged kids. As moms, we never question the fact we are going to be there for them. You are a gift to your kids even tho you are always tired. i hope something changes very soon.

Mar 5

@SunshineNRainbows I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of that. I have a few suggestions. You need to get yourself a good bed preferably one where you sleep alone even though it may be in the kid’s room.
I also encourage you to investigate every possible alternative treatment for your chronic pain if you haven’t done that already. As you know, the pain is likely to get worst over time and that means more powerful conventional drugs. Not a good thing if you can avoid it.
I know you’ve read many things but I’m going to recommend one more book for you to consider. It’s called The Vortex-Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships by Esther and Jerry Hicks.
You’ll find very effective approaches to managing the kids and influencing your partner in a positive way. And most important, approaches that will help you move yourself to a much better place dealing with your daily challenges.
You’re obviously a great mom and you’re doing everything you can to make it work for the kids and your partner. It’s time to add you to that list. Hugs

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