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I've been in a relationship with my husband for 5 years. Sex

I've been in a relationship with my husband for 5 years. Sex was fantastic at first -- and he was very open to different experiences, to lots of sex, to basically exploring sexuality together. This is really important to me in a partner b/c I have a very high sex drive (at least once a week is necessary, but I can do much more). When I was single and not in a relationship, I managed my high sex drive by not dating, not thinking about sex -- and just focusing on myself and my health. If I don't tempt myself, I can manage it just fine. Sex shifted out of focus, and I waited for the right relationship to move forward with it.

My husband & I haven't had sex in more than 8 months. We have had sex less than a dozen times a year for 3 years now. I am starving for sex. We have talked about it -- and the issues stem from problems in his childhood. There's no physical issue. When the childhood/emotional issues first came up more than 4 years ago, I asked him to get help (like a counselor or support group) so that it wouldn't affect our sex life. But he has refused. Lately, he has been making up stories about me...saying I was sexually abused as a child and he can't have sex with me b/c he'll re-traumatize me. His first marriage was completely asexual -- he blamed it on her, but now I realize that he cannot combine sex and intimacy.

We are seeing a counselor and have been for years. I have told him for years how important this is, and that I have noticed changes to my body (increased pain, occasional numbness) due to lack of sex. The counselor confirms that my appetite is "normal" (1x/wk is average...and that's all I'm asking). I have asked to have a one-week "break" while away on vacation, just so I could flirt with others and feel desirable and I could say yes if something came up. He said no. Of course I didn't cheat on him. But now, another 4 sexless months later, I don't know if I could stop myself. He knows how important sex is to me, but he won't have sex with me, and he won't let me have sex with anyone else. The relationship is strained in other ways too, but I love him and although I might have to leave him, I am committed to trying this for another year. I keep hoping I can be there while he works through his issues and we can share sex again.

In the meantime, it has become impossible for me to function. I think about sex all the time. The solutions from when I was single don't work because I can't take a break from dating and desire: every night I sleep next to a man I love in bed, every day I see him in some kind of undress, we have platonic kisses, but I want more. We have male workers coming to the house, and I find myself struggling to speak to them sometimes b/c I'm worried a spark will be lit and I won't be able to stop myself. I've told my husband & the therapist that I no longer feel in control of myself... If I were single, I wouldn't date in this state of sexual arousal, I certainly wouldn't sleep with a man every night and expect myself to say no to sex every day. I work out, I eat right, I meditate -- I'm doing everything I can think of. (I've tried both masturbating and not masturbating -- neither helps. I prefer not doing it...it's slightly better.) But the constant exposure to temptation (my husband) and the constant lack of sex have left me worried that I don't have the ability to say no...I feel out of control and don't know what to do. I keep myself so wrapped up to avoid possibly cheating that I can't go dancing anymore (touching other men is tempting), seeing male friends is tempting -- I'm literally shutting down my life. I'm also worried I could be taken advantage of...that someone will see my loneliness and start something that I can't stop. I'm sometimes afraid to leave the house.

I've asked my husband to separate for a few months so I can avoid the sight/smell of him and my desire to have sex. He said no. Is it reasonable for him to expect me to live without sex for my whole life? I've considered going to a doctor and asking for pills to close down my libido, or some kind of physical block so that I can manage the sexlessness. I don't want to hurt him. I don't know if an affair in this kind of scenario is ok? Maybe he would understand and be forgiving afterwards? But that's not what I want. I want to be in a loving relationship that has sex. Anyone ever managed in this situation?

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Bloodstone2020's picture
Oct 10

SlowRider, I have kept getting in and out of quicksand all my life, so why not remain optimistic? Yes?

Oct 11

@Bloodstone2020 I'm aware of what's happening...so I'm not too worried that I'll fall into a terrible trap because of this. We'll see how I feel in a year.

Bloodstone2020's picture
Oct 11

Nice...you're welcome...


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