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I'm extremely confused and lost when it comes to my relation

Lostsmile's picture
[360]

I'm extremely confused and lost when it comes to my relationship with my ex. we just broke up a month ago. He always fights and breaks up with me before major holidays. We bought a puppy together (he paid for it and i see why now) and so i lost the dog as well. I trained the dog and put a lot of effort into raising him-so it hurts a lot. My ex just doesn't seem to empathize with that fact. He asked me if i loved him or the dog more. Really bizarre question.
Basically- I see that my ex is crazy and treated me horribly. I wanted out multiple times throughout our relationship. I never had the courage to leave because I still loved him. He went from the sweetest guy to the most selfish man. After a month of getting back together for the third time, things were back to normal. HE promised things would be different, that he would appreciate me more. He ignored my needs and the rough patches in our relationship that needed smoothing out. He wouldn't meet my family with me because he said i told them things about our relationship but he was abusive-am i not allowed to talk about abuse? But it was ok for me to meet his family and sister after they had been called during our last break up and he told them all i was out of control.
I stayed because i thought that he would take responsibility for this behavior. But nothing was every his fault or fixable on his end.
I started to self harm, i couldn't leave but i couldn't make him love me the way i deserved. It was the most infuriating experience.
He put me down constantly-covertly. We talked about me working part time so i could raise the puppy. but then that lead to him calling me lazy.
I was always trying to get him to see me. Nothing worked. In fact, when i had a small success, he minimized it.
I see the true ugliness of this person but miss sleeping next to him terribly. Sex was non existent and this point. I was basically begging for it by the end.
when we would argue- he would take low blows. He couldn't do anything like an adult. Arguing was him just throwing a fit to get his way. I am surprised no one has called him out for his atrocious behavior towards women.
Even with all the evidence, i still blame myself for how he treated me. And because I blame myself, i trick myself into believing that there is still hope for our relationship to work- if i could just be better. I know that this isn't true but it is such a real feeling inside of me.

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Lostsmile's picture
[360]
Mar 12

@1emptysoul Thank you. I hope that i was just afraid of being alone because i thought i was going to marry this man. confused. I hope he finds someone worthy of his attention, affection and respect.

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[9780]
Mar 12

@Lostsmile what you must understand in all this is that it was not you or anything you did to make this man the way he is sometimes people get into relationships and they just are not ready for the the commitment due to past hang ups or they just are not mature enough at the point to be with another. Some just like the honeymoon phase, and others well they just want someone to take care of them. Either way you said many times you wanted to end it, now is your chance as I said look inside yourself and find out what your reasons for loving this guy was, be honest with yourself cause if he treated you that bad I’m sure you did not love him but perhaps the idea of just being with somebody was what you loved.

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[655]
Mar 13

I'm so sorry you've been treated so poorly. Been there, done that. You're strong and yet vulnerable. It sounds like he is controlling, in addition to being abusive. No wonder he doesn't want to meet those people who already know about his behaviors! Such men (and sometimes women) like to hide in the
dark and don't like to be 'smoked out'. Can I lovingly say 'You don't need that in your life'? You deserve to be loved, cherished, treasured; and certainly do not deserve to be verbally abused, taunted, demeaned, neglected, or any such things. Do you know what's worse than laying in bed alone and living life without having a man by your side? Living with the wrong one, especially one who is abusive! I agree, you need to take time now for self-care. Time for you to heal and time for you to do some deep soul searching. During my healing process, I made an extensive and detailed list of qualities I would never compromise again. I am happy to say that when the time came that I started dating again, I was emotionally healthy again and was able to stick to my guidelines. I said 'nope' to a bunch of guys who were better than the ex, but still not what I needed/wanted in a mate. Eventually, along came my sweet now-husband. Chin up and don't go back to the nightmare! Seek help from domestic violence counselors if needed!

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