I want to run away. I feel isolated...alone....and fed up. I

[145]

I want to run away. I feel isolated...alone....and fed up. I have allowed this to happen. I allowed it all. What is wrong with me? I've been taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on, and stomped on... I'm insecure and angry and hurt. I gave up my ambitions, my dreams, my goals--my life. And why? We have been together for a total of 18 years...and married for nearly 14. I met him when I was freakin 12 years old...and I guess the rest is history. I graduated high school early, and left home at 16 to move 600 miles away to be with him...after he moved away because he got in trouble with the law! Imagine that! He is not a criminal or a deadbeat by any means...but he was wild we he was young, and still hasn't quite settled down. He works hard, and provides well..but he's an a**hole. He's selfish and mean and takes low-blows. We have 4 kids ages 3-13 together. I home school them...I work from home as a writer.... I manage our finances, and the running of the house in every aspect. When he comes home, he drinks beer, and watches TV. He doesn't help...and that's fine, but some days, I'm overwhelmed. I miss my family and my friends. I feel like a failure, but I refuse to accept defeat. I am a woman scorned...but I refuse to play the victim. I refuse to believe the lies he tells me. I am better than this. It's always the same...highs and lows... any expectation I have of him, is too much. He says I'm uncool because I don't want to smoke pot and get drunk. I am a grown woman...I don't condemn him for wanting to live a certain lifestyle, but I'm tired of him forcing it on me. It's not what I want. I enjoy being active and sober. I ask him to not say things that hurt me, that make me insecure..but he just throws little things out there....just to make me crazy. He makes me feel awful about myself...not my looks, but my attitude...my interests. He acts like I am nothing he wants in those ways... he tells me that nearly every time he fights. I guess he wants a party girl, that is as irresponsible as him. I'm fun, adventurous... I look like a girly girl, but I can keep up with the boys. I'm intelligent, I keep a clean home, my kids are well-taken care of, I keep up my appearance, I'm a good cook.... I buy him nice things, and praise him and tell him thank you for working hard and supporting us...I compliment and build him up...we have a good sex life...but it's not enough. nothing is never enough. He makes me feel I'm just impossible to please...I feel like I'm not allowed to have any expectations of him. I'm not allowed to need anything from him. He works...that's his only responsibility to me, and our family. It's not enough. Lately, he likes to even throw that in my face. When I mention that he's spent too much on pot and beer, he says it's his money, and I'd have nothing without him. But, I've been with him for a long time now...I was there when we were poor... when we could barely pay our bills and had no money for groceries. I worked my a** off as a waitress and a secretary for years so we wouldn't sink...and I still contribute to our income in various ways. A part of me hates him. But a bigger part of me, hates myself for allowing him to do this to me...to make me feel so crazy. Yet, I love him so much. I so badly just want things to be better. Sometimes they are. When I don't ask for anything extra from him...when I don't mention that I had to transfer money from savings again... when I don't disagree with him... but it's not fair. Today is my birthday...31. I feel so much older though. I have to be responsible. I have to take care of things...I gave up my rebel side a long time ago...one of us had to grow up. I'm so tired of having to pretend I'm okay...and being put down for trying to do the right thing. It's unfair, and it hurts.

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[145]
Aug 14

I have kept a journal for about 20 years! I write the good along with the bad, but sadly, the bad outweighs the good. I want to go to marriage counseling, he refuses. He was also once put on medication for his major mood swings and temper and wouldn't take it. It's just exhausting. Some days, I'm okay, and I think I can do this....other days, I just want to throw my stuff in a bad, and leave...if we didn't have kids together, that's exactly what I would do.

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[100]
Aug 15

you know what, it could be true what you said about bad outweighs the good for just every spouse. We are so imperfect that when two imperfect people married each other, it could create a bigger mess. That's why they say marriage is work. I am encouraged to hear that you want your marriage to work for your kids sake. In fact, the best gift any parent could give to their kids is a good marriage. I pray that you won;t give up loving this man who is hard to love, all for a bigger purpose. I prayed for you again!

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[100]
Aug 16

I just came across this on the radio that could be helpful for you as well http://bit.ly/2x54Fp8.

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