I am ... messed up. My wife and I have had issues for well

[95]

I am ... messed up.
My wife and I have had issues for well over 10 years, right off the bat. A few years ago she had a problem with talking online with guys, it was filthy stuff, she was talking and texting, and I caught her.
Now a few years later there is a divide between us, we are roommates who get along really well, but it seems like the love just isn't coming back... which has lead to me having feelings for someone. No I have NOT acted on these feelings, I have been ignoring them for over a year, but they only seem to grow, despite me really truly hating it.
Has anyone experienced anything like this?

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[95]
Jan 12

@darah Yeah, I mean she was obviously sorry when she got caught, right? Of course she was also pissed that I was "spying" and "how dare you violate my personal privacy" ... I mean who wouldn't be defensive? So I kinda let a lot of it slide, just so we could move on. She's been putting forth a good effort. But obviously my distance is starting to affect her, and thats how we got here in the first place, was she felt depressed and low and behold some guy made her feel better, and that guy wasnt me...

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[7255]
Jan 12

Yes, Since before my friend and her husband separated and got divorced (Like 2 years ago now the divorce was final) me and my husband have been trying to reconcile his poor choices.

When she left and moved the kids across country, her husband and I became better friends, and he was always friends with my husband. As long as her and I were friends our husbands hung out together once a week or so too.

It started out as me just thinking he was attractive, he's hot as hell and all our kids' moms like him as eye candy, and the kids love him cause he has a good personality. We see him at church, and around town, at school events; like all the time. Heck I even told his wife one time that he was very attractive when he put on a suit, and she should dress him up nice more often, and that was 2 kids before the divorce.

My daughter always wants to play with him, as he's the fun guy, so I think somewhere along the line he disassociated my husband as my husband, or assumed we are divorced. I also seem to never be attracted to men who are not attracted to me. Not sure if it is me being attracted to them liking me that attracts me, or what, but never happens that they don't like me back.

So the first few times I just dismissed my attraction to him, as just being hormonal and he's hot eye candy. Over the years we became closer friends. He has a million little ones, and I am still friends with his ex-wife, so when they visit I help him a lot with the kids. Again the first few years it just did it because I was helping out, and thought he just needed help, not that he was interested in me too. But the second year I realized he had a thing for me. So i distanced myself a bit.

The third summer the kids were here I REALLY liked him, and it was REALLY hard to not do something with him. He never asked me out on what I would consider a date, helping with kids, church things, things with my daughter. It was REALLY hard to not kiss him or do anything inappropriate.

But one day I realized that I was attracted to someone wanting me, and needing help, and being a friend; not him. He's a good guy, but I really have no serious feelings for him.

I am still married, and never acted on my feelings, but now I realize that they were a way to escape the drama of my husband, and not real or serious in any way.

If things are not working between you and your wife, maybe the two of you need to take and inventory and decide if you can make it work, what each of you needs to do, and if you are both willing. You might be best friends, but not husband and wife. My aunt and Uncle were living together, then married, then separated, then back together, then divorced, then not speaking for a long time, then remarried, then divorced again, then she came to help my grandfather when he was sick (his dad), and then now they are living together again.

They love each other, and I really think they are toxic for each other, because I am sure she will leave again and break his heart again. But when they are apart they are still friends, usually, and they are both happy. Maybe it is time for you to separate or really fix the problems. The limbo and waiting to see what happens is not good for any one.

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[95]
Jan 12

@phdchick Yeah.. I think I understand my feelings for this person pretty well. It doesnt hurt that she is BEAUTIFUL, but its not really like a sexual thing.. (I mean come on, she's hot so maybe 10%...) She and I have been close for years. Our families do a lot of things together.
Maybe it is escapism... IDK... Good perspective to think on.

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