Hello Everyone, I'm sorry I have been away for a long time b

pmtw730's picture
[135]

Hello Everyone, I'm sorry I have been away for a long time but I started school a little over a year ago. Masters program. It is SO hard there are days I feel I am being crushed by the weight of it but I continue because my future is depending on this. This doesn't mean I am not also being weighed down by issues. My goodness! It never ends. I left a relationship in Dec. 2016. It was an unusual one....he has multiple sclerosis. At the time when I was getting to know him I was drawn to his heart and personality. After 7 years of being together, 2 of which were long distance....each day was getting harder and harder because of his limitations. Most of the daily chores and errands I had to do, driving, plus work full time and I helped his occasional discomfort with massage (I was a licensed massage therapist). He was on disability and didn't work. We could rarely do anything outside like go to the museum or a food festival in the summer so I would do these things alone or with family and friends. I can remember times where I felt an incredible loneliness because I couldn't share these things with him. We could do simple things like go to the park or movies. I began to feel not only physically exhausted but emotionally drained from dealing with this kind of relationship, his health issue plus all the things on my plate and I wasn't happy or fulfilled. I hadn't been for a couple of years. I know that's a long time but I loved him and it was my choice to be with him. Another thing that weighed on me is we never consummated the relationship. The MS can affect sexual function as well. We tried a lot of things but it got to the point where I just didn't want to try anymore. It ate at me every single waking moment of my life until I decided I needed to leave. Leaving tore me to pieces and made me feel so guilty. His reaction was another thing that I felt I couldn't handle. Text messages threatening to kill himself. We still have a strong emotional connection and so I still help him by buying groceries for him (his health has worsened) and we talk and text each other. I have to admit I still love him and he is always telling me he loves me too. I struggle with the feelings I have that yearn for a "normal" relationship. Is it selfish? I feel trapped by this situation because I can't move on and pursue another relationship while I'm still connected to him in this way, yet I can't let go completely. I realize that time will probably provide an answer for me but I can't help but wonder how long that will take. For now, school takes up all my free time and work too, which has become more demanding since I got promoted a month ago. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

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[1540]
Nov 14

I can’t believe how emotionally and mentally strong you are. It takes a lot out of a person to be there for your ex like you have. It seems like you were this persons best friend, care giver and significant other. It can be hard to let go of something like that and the guilt associated with it can be overwhelming. A relationship is two sided and you need to feel the same love that you give out. Is there anyone else that can serve as his caregiver? You have a lot on your plate and it sounds like you’re on the right path to a bright future. I wish both you and your ex the best of luck.

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pmtw730's picture
[135]
Nov 18

@survivor471

Thank you so much for your response! Yes....I was (and I still am) his best friend and caregiver. He has family here but everyone is busy with their lives. Still, I wonder why they don't help as much. For me, there is no way I can turn my back on him when he is in need and it goes beyond loving him still although that does play a part. I am taking it one day at a time. For now, I will focus on this journey I am on and see where it leads.

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