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Dear sebastian schafer in writing this i can't help but thin

Dear sebastian schafer in writing this i can't help but think of both you and that scared naive ten year old little girl on the verge of her eleventh birthday the one with tears streaming down her face saying no under her breathe because that's all she could manage do to the fear that was both consuming and surmerging her she then begged you to stop while you forced yourself inside of her no stop your hurting me please don't she cried these words repeated over and over without a movement to show for it this little girl is me

In the weeks and months after the rape i found myself in the darkest place imaginable finding comfort and peace in the sharp edge of a blade months bled in years and the scars grew thicker and deeper each time providing only a glimpse of relief from which i craved caused by your deception As a result of your actions i was faced with a choice sink or swim live or die emotionally i was already dead so physically what's the difference

I wanted my first time to be memorable and now it will be in the worst of ways after all some things are burned so deeply into our memories we can't forget them no matter how hard we try because things like this refuse to be forgotten when your hands moved down my body in places i didn't want them to be you branded me during these moments i began to escape to a vulnerable place in my mind which became the only safe place i seemed to have left but each time without prosperity as the sharp physical pain of you inside of me seemed to bring me back with every desperate attempt

The physical pain was unbearable like pins needles blades and fire piercing at my insides all at once the pain extending deeper and deeper with every move you made i wanted to stop you to loosen your grip on the pieces of me you shattered but i couldn't your physical strength was far beyond my control i guess that was part of your plan all along To you this was a game of strategy and control tricking me out of my own self worth the sharp jagged pieces of me you stole now becoming a trophy to my victimization with every teardrop that hit the floor watching you get off so heavily on every morsel of my pain and fear you could grasp

Life, Life is unpredictable and control is just an illusion and sometimes all that unpredictably is overwhelming and makes us feel small and powerless I felt powerless to your desire and physical strength i tried fighting fighting against not only you and your desire to for dominance and my accessible violation but also against myself and my instant reaction to give up and go limp for you to have your way with my skin which now felt like an object of mine you so easily possessed hoping if i stopped fighting you would to because you seemed to obtain more control and power over me with each hopeless squirming reaction i made to try and stop you

It wasn't until i stood up after you were finished with me that i learned the full extent of what you had done as i began to stand up i heard the sharp sound of you zipping up your pants and i felt a small piece of me return to its intended place under my skin as relief washed over me thinking that it was over soon realizing that it was far from over my legs were shaking so badly from the impact of your abuse they felt as if they were going to give out from underneath me the physical pain became a part of my reality as it echoed from inside down there leaving me extremely sore to the point where it hurt to move as these details of that modern reality came into focus one after another each worse than the last the worst of it all began to set in more and more the back of my leg felt warm and sticky and this feeling was running farther and farther down the back of my leg at this point i was afraid to know what it was that made my skin feel so wet and covered i should have just let it be perhaps then this reality would be a little less painful to revisit having not known this disgusting fragile detail of the events that had unfolded that morning only after placing my fingertips on something i believed to be unexplainable it swiftly occurred to me do to its dark red tint that it was blood you had taken the one thing i valued most about my body and wanted to keep in place in case of true love my virginity

In discovering this newly found detail i looked up at you and saw something that will forever be burned and branded into the back of my mind in looking at you i had answered the burning question what does evil really look like never entirely convinced that i would ever come face to face with it now recognizing that i had there is really no true way to put it into words at this very moment i could no longer call you human no matter how convinced i was that you once were you were no longer based on the inhumane look that had latched itself on to me piercing through your very eyes

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Moonlightlogic's picture
Mar 14, 2018

My first time I was raped too. I was 14, Its so unforgettable and now youre stuck with that memory forever. I dont know what youre feeling, but I can relate alot. Stay strong xoxo

MadisonAgner's picture
Mar 16, 2018

thank you

MadisonAgner's picture
Mar 16, 2018

@Moonlightlogic their are still some things about it i dont understand and in two weeks im going to confront him im so scared


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