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I try every day to push away the bad traumatizing thoughts i

I try every day to push away the bad traumatizing thoughts in my head so I can just go about my day and get things done. I can be sitting with family enjoying my time with friends and I get flashes of the traumatic night I had. And that gets in the way of the good time im having. When I talked to my therapist for the first time about what I went through it was really really hard because I already tried so hard to forget about it and then I have to open up again and talk about it. It is exactly like re opening a wound and when I do talk about it again I have suicidal thoughts. I get into a dark place and I try to avoid it. But I am aware that avoiding the situation is not what im supposed to that's why I am here. 2 weeks ago I had a panic attack I was driving and out of no where I start screaming and crying and it was very uncontrollable I had to stop my car because I found myself increasing speed. I felt like killing myself. I was parked in my car for at least 1 hour screaming and crying the whole time. Until finally my friend calls and hears how im doing and is super worried and finds my location and rushes to get me scared of what I might attempt to do again. I was highly intoxicated one night dragged into a room and raped by my best friends boyfriend as my best friend watched and told him what to do to me. I felt betrayed scared lost trust in a lot of people I felt lost suicidal fell into a deep depression. I lost my boyfriend of 3 years soon after because he couldn't handle my sudden changes in moods. And that hurt because he was the last person I had that I could fully trust and talk to. So now im back in this deep depression and I don't know what to do. SO much has happened that I left out because id rather not go into detail of the horrible things that did happen but it does haunt me at night. Its hard to have sex without wanting to cry or thinking about what happened. Its hard building new friend ships because I trusted this girl from the bottom of my heart and I didn't know she was capable of what she did. I do know she was sexually abused herself by her dad and I remember her telling me she enjoyed being forced to have sex and she did mention she might be bi. But of course I ignored all the red flags there were many others. When you love someone so much you ignore most the bad and focus on the good. On all the good things they've done for you...

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Nov 17

I am doing alright its just so much right now So much im feeling. So much pain depression

Qu1f1re's picture
Nov 17

So opening up to your therepist didnt help? Im had to go thru that. But you said You were intoxicated? Did you ever tell your best friend something or try getting her boyf in trouble.?

Round3's picture
Nov 17

I know talking about what happened to you is painful but it's the only way to process it.. If you don't it will bottle up and explode again. I think the key is to find a therapist trained in trauma who understand how to approach it. It needs to be done slowly and carefully. Look for a trauma therapist who is trained in emdr. As for you being intoxicated .... that has zero significance. Doesn't matter if you were drunk or not, rape is never ok. It's NOT your fault. As for getting them "in trouble" ..... you aren't getting them in trouble. They did that themselves with what they did. Both of them. The boyfriend for the physical assault and also your so called BF for letting it happen. She is as responsible as he is. I hope you reported both of them to the police but understand if you didn't. At the very least, I hope you arent friends with them anymore. Peple like that are not your friend. You deserve to be surrounded by people who cherish you and will appreciate the gift of friendship you have to offer. Not take advantage of you.

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