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Hiya im new to the group. ....TRIGGER WARNING .... I suff

[90]

Hiya im new to the group. ....TRIGGER WARNING ....

I suffered with a flash back into my world of what happened to me whrn i was 4 or 5 years old sexual and violent assult on me and my siblings. Which to my siblings don't recall and dont wish to recall. So its just me with the memeories. Not only that i have 2 small children and it happened when i was around the
... which has distrubed me being a mum. :( sadness bounds and the ptsd is still there but not like it was the first time . Im at the Stages of healing, 2 to 3.

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[520]
Jun 15

I understand the feelings of sexual abuse, although for me it's a bit different because it was my father and I was older and I remembered it from the moment it happened. When you're a little child, it's very common to cope by blocking it out, as it's too large of a trauma to have the coping skills or make sense of it at that young age.

You sound like a very sensible person who isn't freaking out or letting this memory completely overtake your life. That's really helpful. That being said, I highly recommend that you seek trauma counseling, especially from one who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. I'm living proof that you CAN heal from this and go on to live a life of joy, freedom, and peace...not being controlled by what happened, not being in bondage to it, not being defined by it, and not having the rest of your life robbed of joy and wholeness. I consider myself not just a survivor, but an overcomer.

My healing took place in steps. First of all, I had to face it, as I had buried it deep down and tried to pretend it never happened, as it was just too painful to deal with. This resulted in me doing all kinds of unhealthy behaviors that only made my life worse. Thankfully, you've already faced it and you seem willing to do the hard work of healing.

Next, I sought counseling. Sadly, there are many bad counselors out there. Punching pillows as if it was my mother's face was NOT helpful. Screaming and sobbing felt good at the moment, but it didn't help me to heal. No, what was required was digging deeper. Once I connected with a support group at my church for sexual abuse survivors, led by a counselor who had herself been sexually abused, and with God's help, I was able to work through every aspect of the abuse and receive God's healing. We took one year to work through a book called The Wounded Heart, which covers topics like shame, contempt, betrayal, etc.

Probably the most powerful thing in my healing was forgiveness. To NOT forgive is to allow the perpetrator to have ongoing control over me. I desperately wanted to be released from the hatred, rage, bitterness, and desire for revenge, as well as the regular nightmares I had. Once I came to understand that forgiveness is something I do for myself, to set me free, and not something I do for him, I was able to, with God's help. I know that my father will have to stand before God for what he did, and God's vengeance is way more perfect, just, and appropriate than anything I could dish out.

I don't know if you're a person of faith in God or not, and some people resent having God brought into the conversation. But I'm only sharing how my healing occurred, and because I know that he knows me better than I even know myself, he knows what I need more than I do, and he can get to the root of everything and knows how to heal, I so much want this for everyone else who has been hurt this deeply. Some wise counselors can help a lot, but for the very best and deepest healing, I recommend turning to the Lord. You can take it or leave it; I'm not trying to shove anything on you, just offering a cool drink of water to a person dying of thirst in a dry land (I've been in that desert...I know what it's like).

I really applaud your desire to face your trauma and heal from it. It's a gift you'd be giving your children, so you can be fully present, free to love fully, and mentally/emotionally stable. I did some damage to my kids by not seeking help until the oldest was about 10, and in those 10 years I was full of anger, spoke harshly, and was emotionally distant. Oh, how I cringe now to think of that. They are grown now and are wonderful humans, and we're close, but I know that some of what they struggle with is because of my dysfunction as a mother. I choose to forgive myself, knowing I was doing the best I could at the time, and I've asked them to forgive me, and they have. Bottom line is that we all have pain in life, we all have deep hurts (some deeper than others), and we all need healing. May the Lord heal you and restore you to health. Sending prayers and an e-hug.

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[90]
Jun 18

Thankyou for your kind words. Thankyou for sharing your story with me . It takes guts to go there. And be honest about your experience. I too had experienced abuse from my father. I thought i dealt with it. But i truely have not.

This circumstance has damaged my relationships with everyone i know one way or another. And the men in my life. I drove everyone away from me. And feel resistant to change in the midst of all the choas that is felt in my body.

I no longer feel strong as I once did. I no longer feel a capacity to love myself . Or another man. I litterally cannot do it. I love my children. And im holding on for dear life.

I feel ashamed and smothered and pushed. All i want is to heal. But i dont know where to begin i want to stay in my family unit. Ive looked for a group and cant seem to find one around my area.
But would love this opportunity.
I am the same distant amongst other feelings, betrayed and i reflected that onto my relationship with my partner at the time it happened . I was that little girl again. Hopeless and lost. Never to be seen or heard. And try my hardest to get over it. And I think its gone . And it creeps up on me like I didnt know its there. I Feel for him too.

I know im strong and resiliant. But i would wish for more than anything is to feel love and be able to give it now more than ever. Thats why i wish to heal . Ill see if any churches do have this opportunity. That would be the best gift I could have right now. Or somewhere that pffers this support.
A huge thank you to you
Lots of love and happiness
Xxx

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[520]
Jun 29

You're so welcome! PM me if you'd like some resources....

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