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Hello, I grew up with a mother who appears to have NPD. She

Hello, I grew up with a mother who appears to have NPD. She believes she’s smarter than everyone, snaps constantly at the littlest things, hates people, appears delusional (has called me names and abused me physically and denied it), and she was diagnosed bipolar but pretty much said f that and never did therapy or anything. Now as an adult, I see her in myself way too much and I hate it. I hate it so much. I’m ruining my relationship of three years, he’s literally so close to leaving me. He has a little narcissist in him but not as bad as me. I don’t know what to do, feels like I can’t control myself. I’ve gotten better at work and on the road, have really bad road rage and got lots of complaints at work for my attitude. I’ve met people randomly that act like I do, saying “wow real nice” when people don’t hold doors open for you or being rude to the poor security guy who’s doing his job by telling you it’s a no parking zone...when I see these people I don’t feel like I’m like them, I laugh at how crazy they are. Then I do it, and now it’s become a ten-step process (what me and my bf call it). I snap or do something crazy, am delusional and give excuses for why I did it, fight about it, finally realize and hate myself and feel suicidal. Feel like I don’t deserve anything...etc. I don’t know what to do. Any help would be appreciated, also new so sorry if this is wrong group.

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Jun 18

@Dcredeur Welcome to SG!... After reading your post, it sounds to me that you might have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It is possible that, as a child of a narcissistic mother, you may have some of her traits without being a severe, or NPD, narcissist. Both BPD and NPD are classified as cluster B personality types, which have similar traits and behaviors, but are different disorders. Most severe narcissists do not have insight into their own behavior. They don’t believe there is anything wrong with themselves. In their minds, everyone else is to blame, and needs to change; which is why so many are never diagnosed. They also accuse others of the very things that they are guilty of doing. In BPD, there is a lack of impulse control, rapidly changing moods, and a need to create drama. Narcissists also need to create drama and chaos, without which they become bored. They are different disorders, even though there are some similar traits. You seem to be hard on yourself, and fear your boyfriend will leave. BPD sufferers are very afraid of abandonment and rejection. Narcissists also fear abandonment underneath their false self, or mask; but they usually do not openly admit it. We are not qualified to diagnose you here. But it is important that you receive a proper diagnosis by a mental health professional, so that you can receive the right treatment. There is often confusion and misdiagnosis in this area of the mental health field; which is why I recommend that you seek the right diagnosis and treatment. We are always available to support you......

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Jun 18

The fact that you have empathy shows that you are not a narc. Narcissists literally don't have the ability to empathize. Your awareness will lead you to change the undesired qualities over time. I'm often mean in public, but deep down it's because of my anxiety. This allows me to be gentle and try to smile more even if others don't smile back.

Mosaic's picture
Jun 19

in an nlp session which is a modality well suited to short-circuiting what is a bad habit pattern, I would have you take an instance that happened where you lost control and the result was a big mess. I'd have to relax yourself down to a peaceful state, and in the theater in your mind, convert that experience, from when everything was going along fine just before uncomfortable, not relaxed feelings started happening, into a movie, one we could run frame by frame, stop, restart, rewind, whatever we want. I'd have you watch that movie in the theater, up on the screen, seeing the familiar things happening, all the way through. I'd ask you how you feel about it right now, and, probably not good, etc. Then, let's start the movie up again, and going very slowly, until we find the frame just before something was about to happen that changed things. I'd want to elicit a few things about your state at the freeze frame, and lets say, you realize that at the moment, you feel a volcano has in its entirety moved underneath you and you know it's about to erupt up through you. Or whatever it is for you: there is something present or happening or colors flashing that are warning you: I want you to explore that freeze frame moment: your awareness of every thing about that moment: where's your body tight, how is your vision, are you thinking of anything or body? at just that moment, just before you normally would begin to flip out. This is just building blocks on changing behavior, we're taking the building down to where it went off square, and rebuilding it straight, right? So, take the time to know how it is for you in moments like that, before you flip. Then, ask your inner self, your guide, your dog, Princess Leia, whomever you fancy, what it is you need in that moment: patience like someone else you know? confidence like you admire in someone? deflective skin that does not take in stings or bites, whatever. There is some skill or quality that people are all capable of possessing which would help YOU in such circumstances. So, now in your minds theater, ask for that quality to fill you up in the scene, the you that you are watching, and let yourself both watch her and feel what she feels, too. Start the film up again right there and notice any difference in the outcome. If this is done with any crude success or best of intentions en point, it should automatically insert itself into situations in the future--the mind is quick to get the idea, and you don't have to think about it or make an effort to insert some thing. It could just happen without you noticing.

That may be enough to short circuit most situations like that for you; and you'll be feel very satisfied that you can do that, and even doing it just once in the imaginary world will cause your smarty pants mind to generalize its useful lesson to real life, and in other types of scenarios, too.

It also may be deeper, and even that one scenario might call for searching other moments; choice points, if you will, to imbue more characteristics that you want on your side. If you take teh time to identify where these moments occur, and what you feel like during them, you will be instructing your unconscious mind to pay attention to these moments, and do as you are asking: focus on my strength, courage, patience, confidence, etc., to carry me un-molested by these exterior things happening around me, to continue on MY path.

I hope this helps. It a very effective tool if you can work it.


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