Happy 2020!!!
"The best is yet to come."
-Frank Sinatra

I have just endured a planned trip w/my adult kids & husband

Littlesis7's picture
[16675]

I have just endured a planned trip w/my adult kids & husband. It's been insanely long time since we were all together and it was way before they all left and matured into working adults. I knew it was going to be difficult all trying to mesh our personalities together but I had no idea how difficult.
One child lives extremely far away so I thought "great, we can finally have that conversation that shows we've gotten past the Mom/child relationship (guilt, competition, expectations...) & finally talk like adults catching up and posing questions that have long gone unanswered".
Nope, I was pretty much left out of the convos and banter of the discussions. Things that they used to judge me on 5yrs ago, they were now doing. I work very hard and have depression issues (which they know about) and gave up my vacation to spend it with them....they made it very clear they did not need me for anything and I am not really part of their lives anymore.
I realize, they have completely different ways of living in 2020 and obviously they are extremely independent but my husband & I raised them to be kind, compassionate, faithful ppl. Not the kind of ppl that they showed me during this trip. It felt like it was something they just needed "to get thru"...
I am absolutely crushed and don't know where to go with this pain. I work a typical pt job, nothing special, nothing fulfilling. My beautiful children WERE my life. I thought they would be continuing family, life, traditions, all including us. They made it clear we were a damper to their good time (we're NOT that old-not even retired yet!)
Can anyone relate how you COPED with this same kind of ADULT CHILD problem of trying to stay close without JUDGEMENT??? So difficult.

show more ⇓
Comment
 7
View 4 More Comments
[4510]
Jan 15

Change comes over time and often a little at a time. Take your time and start with little steps. You will arrive.

Reply
Littlesis7's picture
[16675]
Jan 15

@NCMom hi thanks for your reply. My kids are somewhat older than yours. I appreciate your ideas...idk, even tho they don't need the money I will probably do something like this for their bdays. It's worth a shot.
I think my whole problem is "expectations" and my life OUTSIDE of family. It's negative, difficult and almost non--existent. I've relied too heavily on my adult kids...I guess, waiting and hoping for that moment when they come back to me and THANK ME for the life I gave them...Or suddenly decide they want to have a "meaningful" conversation with me regarding their decisions - HA! Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen?! I am a total idealistic DREAMER.
All thru this process, I am trying desperately NOT to keep judging myself/ hating myself really about decisions I made in the last 25 yrs. My confidence is ZERO and yes, I have been to therapy, meds...etc...I didn't respond very well. I believe the ONLY thing that helps me, is GROUP therapy /discussion bc I grew up in a lg fam and that is where I feel most comfortable.
I'm still not giving up on having a relationship tho...

show more ⇓
Reply
[19825]
Jan 15

Littlesis. Yes. I forgot to mention therapy and meds. I was a teen mom the first time and a 40+ year old mom the second time around. Like you...my world was primarily for my daughters to have the best lives...

I have, for all intents and purposes, zero family members outside of my daughters... we have to have lives for ourselves... I don’t know either how other moms have the best relationships with their kids....as mine were growing up I thought we HAD that... I think a lot is not smothering them. I felt from your post that your young adults were reconnecting with each other on that trip...so if u want better relationships with them it would be to make headway on individual basis...also plan family gatherings for all family members to do an activity on one day...and then pick another day where they are on their own and u dnd your husband hang out with grandkids (idk if u have any yet!) OR u and hubby go to someplace your young adult kids wouldn’t enjoy...

Unlike you, I had a group therapy group many years ago and didn’t like it cause everyone in group didn’t get to talk AND I really needed to vent (individually or privately) with a therapist. I totally agree with froggymom about change.
I wish we three could get together for lunch! Lol

show more ⇓
Reply

Login or Register

You are visiting Support Groups as an anonymous user.

Please consider joining our community and gain access to additional features by

registering or logging into your account