Im shaking right now and my thigh wont stop bleeding, ive st

Im shaking right now and my thigh wont stop bleeding, ive started cutting again after 8 months but im only gonna do it on my right leg so i can lay on my left side when i sleep because when i sleep my cuts re open and they always bleed and soak through my long pants and onto the bed. Its been about 2 years now and my parents still have no idea, i dont want them finding out now. Maybe my mum will just think its my period, but i dont know. My mum came in my room last week and she got mad at me for watching thirteen reasons why and she told me its trigggering and i agree but she will probablly blame it all on that show. Will she even realise ive done this before? This isnt just a one time thing? Thats not what triggered me though. The show did not trigger me. It was just one of those nights when i saw the razor there and gave in, just like tonight. It felt good, a bad good i guess. I dont think even my parents would understand. My dad and i dont even talk anymore, my parents arent divorced which im grateful for but my dad... doesnt act like a dad. I mean hes there, but hes not there. If that makes sense. He drinks alot and when he drinks he sometimes talks to me but id rather talk to a sober dad. And i guess mum and i have a good relationship but i dont think she would understand. Which is also the reason why im scared to tell her that i am attracted to girls too, shes christian so she thinks its a sin and she also think suicide is a sin. I dont know what to do anymore.

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sulkingriver's picture
Apr 30, 2017

I know you have your own reasons on why you do that, I too am guilty on self harm and actually find satisfaction on it but not by cutting myself. We all have different stories and we have different ways on how we deal with them. i can see myself in you, in most part. My dad drinks everyday, he thinks providing for his family is enough so I myself detach myself from him. I have a much closer relationship with my mom too but when she left it adds to the pain and makes me hurt myself more because I blame myself. I grew up in a Christian family (I don't with my dad though even if goes to church).

I thought about committing suicide before when I was younger but I don't have the courage to do it, because as you said, it is a sin. But then when I grew up, I realized that suicide actually is never the solution. It means giving up. Permanently. And I don't want that. I want to see myself change. I want to see myself a few years from now, that I have learned to overcome my struggles. I hope you too, can realize that, so when you look back, you can see how strong of a woman you have become because of those challenges. I don't know what you're going through right now but I want to share to you the little faith I have.

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ChemicallyImbalanced's picture
May 2, 2017

Oh sweetie you're body is beautiful I hate to think of those scars staining you like that. I understand it's a coping method but I encourage so strongly to find something else. And screw them if they don't understand your sexuality. If someone doesn't understand you in general, screw them. I'm 21 . I've been suicidal since I was 5. There's a good chance I'll always have my days on the edge. I'm not religious. I believe we are all our own gods . With abilities that none of us can unlock fully. You have a godly complex and you are capable of so much life. The only thing that has helped me is when I help other people. I'm a sick person mentaly but I feel sane when I'm able to use my struggles as positives to motivate other people like me. Message me anytime you feel like cutting yourself. If you feel like it I mean. You're beautiful

Oceanblueeyes's picture
May 18, 2017

Find a way to become more self-expressed like poetry, art, painting or photography, so that you don't have to self-mutilate. You will end up killing yourself if you are not careful. I started cutting at 15 and was suicidal but learned how to make my own way and found my tribe outside the church and my family home. If you can try to become more independent so you can live your life on your terms without the sin hanging over your head all the time. It's no fun and rarely accepted in Christian households to be anything but straight. I really hope you can find the courage inside yourself to learn to love yourself and let go of the guilt and shame for who you are. Be yourself at all costs.


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