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I've been dealing with a situation for a while now where I'm

xXBeautifully-CorrodedXx's picture
[6720]

I've been dealing with a situation for a while now where I'm in love with my ex, and he says he loves me, but doesn't want to date me right now while he goes to college.

[Some backstory]
We broke up either in July of 2018 or the start of August days before his birthday 2018. We tried being friends. But then one day in November 2018, he went into a rage over a conversation we had, wherein I was tired and I wanted to take a nap before work because I had gotten home late and my shift was in 2 hours. He began to complain that all I ever do was sleep and my response was that he didn't understand how tired I was because he didn't have a job nor was it like the one I do which can be emotionally and mentally draining. He then became disrespectful--yelling at me, and putting me down for what I said even though I didn't mean to make him upset. He wouldn't let it go even later that night, and that's when I had decided to not talk to him for good because I felt like I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

We hadn't talked for 5 months, until one day towards the end of March 2019, I felt this urge that God made my ex and I meet for a reason, and that there was some reason he and I were supposed to talk even if it wasn't supposed to be as a couple. So, I hit him up to check on him.

Some people might read this and think what I just said was silly, and maybe it was, but it was just a strange feeling that had come over me and I felt like I needed to talk to him.

[Fast forward]
We have been talking since the end of March 2019 as friends. Sometimes, I let myself slip and wanted to and unfortunately gave into talking to him as more than just friends. But I refocused myself, and then a friend had a conversation with him sometime this past month wanting to know why my ex who was telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me was acting like he wasn't. His actions didn't match his words is basically what my friend pointed out.

My ex said that right now he wouldn't be able to date me while he was in college because it was tougher for him than he thought it would be, and so he wanted to just focus on school for now.

This makes me angry though, because it makes me feel rejected and unloved and uncared for. Now, I'll admit, I am a selfish person though I try not to be, but I don't think it's selfish to want a person who says that they want to be with you put forth the effort to show me that he cares and loves me like he says he does.

We ended up agreeing, however, that we were going to separate until he felt ready to date me and that I would date other men.

At first, after agreeing to this, he didn't have a problem. But, now, my ex is saying that it makes him angry that I want to date other men even though he doesn't want to date other women while he is going through school. And its like I'm in a lose lose situation where if I don't tell him that I am talking to someone he thinks that I'm hiding stuff from him, but if I tell him like he wants me to he gets mad.

And apparently I am unfaithful and unloyal because I want to date someone during our separation.

Admittedly, I want to just talk to other men, and God knows where it will lead if I do, because my ex told me that he wanted me to wait 4 more years for him. But just so that we could start dating again? That's crazy to me! I feel like that it's unfair because I met him in 2015, and I've been waiting for him to actually just video chat me and give me his cellphone number since 2015. People sometimes think he is a catfish, but he has a complicated history that makes him not want to do these things. It's more complicated and I wish I could tell people what he went through but it would take some time. Long Story short: a pedophile [possibly pretending to be a woman] managed to coax him into exposing himself on a webcam and doing sexual acts when he was in his preteen years. So, now he is telling me that he thinks something is going to happen like that with me...But the thing is that I have sent videos of myself just talking to him or showing him an outfit that I'm wearing for the day so that I could get some tips on if I wasn't dressing myself right or just showing him what I was doing for the day, or showing him something funny that happened. So, I'm showing myself off all these years, yet he can't do it for me.

He says he doesn't trust me with showing himself or giving me his cellphone number-- after we got into years ago because he gave me his password to his Twitter and I deleted messages he kept from an ex that still had feelings for him, and I deleted my messages to him when we got into it because I didn't think he deserved to be able to read them after all of the stuff we had gone through.

I do realize now that what I did was wrong, but I never did it again, and I don't plan on it. But he says that because I did it in the past, I might do it again. I have made mistakes in my past. I thought we could move forward but it feels like we can't.

Moreover, I'm afraid that if I don't date other people that I'll miss out. My ex was my first, and unfortunately, he is long distance as much as I wish it were so. I'm also afraid that by the time my ex is ready that he will not want a relationship and that I will have wasted all my time. But it feels like my ex doesn't care about how I feel, and I feel like I'm being made to feel bad for feeling this way.

Now, I don't know what to do... I don't know what I'm really looking for by sharing this... I guess I'm looking for advice, or maybe even someone to just validate that how I am feeling isn't wrong or made up.

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Bofo2019's picture
[205]
Jul 21

Have you ever met person?

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xXBeautifully-CorrodedXx's picture
[6720]
Jul 22

@Bofo2019 no. I tried but he won't let me. Basically tells me that if I try to come down and meet him that I will know what happened if his mom finds out. Which she doesn't like me. So I'll have to deal with her anger. He and I stopped talking just recently and I think I'm ready to move on now. Dealing with other things now.

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xXBeautifully-CorrodedXx's picture
[6720]
Jul 22

@graceforeverandever thank you for your comment. I really appreciated it. I have thought about therapy but I'm worried that my issue isn't big enough to waste their time. And I feel like I don't have a lot of money to even go see a therapist. I'm on an HMO plan now unfortunately so I have to see whoever they want me to see and that makes me nervous because I want someone that fits my needs.

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