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Hi everyone. I just joined this group today, because I'm rea

Hi everyone. I just joined this group today, because I'm really struggling with my body image and mental and physical health. I have been steadily gaining weight the past 10 years, and I'm getting to where I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I hate myself for getting so fat and weak. I was always underweight, to the point that people would always comment on how thin and pretty I was. I could fit in anything and look good, and now, after gaining 50 lbs, I cannot fit into any of my old clothes, and I'm ordering clothes that are bigger and bigger.
I come from a family of anorexic and bulimic women, and I have always been proud that the eating disorders seem to have skipped me. The truth is that now that I'm overweight, I'm seeing how I've internalized all these hateful comments I heard my whole life about fat people. Sure, it was easy for me not to have an eating disorder when I was already thin, but now that I'm fat I feel so ugly, so depressed, so lazy, so out of touch with myself.
I'm trying not to cry sharing this. It's kind of disgusting that I'm on here having a pity party, but I just don't know how to handle this. It's easy to just say "eat healthier!" and "get off your *** and exercise!" but I just can't seem to do it. I don't eat much. I just snack, and I make a point to eat some fruits and vegetables. I don't work out enough. I maybe make it to the gym once a week. I'm so depressed about it. I can't stand it anymore. I'm trying to take more walks, but it's especially hard when it's so cold outside. I don't know; I can find one million excuses not to exercise. It's so strange because I used to be so athletic, but once I moved away and started grad school I lost all my old friends I would climb and work out with, and I have been depressed, and I'm losing hope.
My boyfriend is seriously the most attractive man I have ever seen, and people are always telling me how handsome and fit he is. It makes me feel even more insecure, because I don't feel like I deserve him. Back when I was so thin and young and pretty, I think we would have made a good pair, but because this is my body now--my fat, pregnant-looking body, I'm ashamed. Thankfully, he seems to think I'm gorgeous, but I feel like I'm getting uglier every day, and I don't want to totally lose control and eventually lose him as well.
I don't want to lose myself. I already have shoddy self-esteem, and as I gain more and more weight, I cannot even stand to look in the mirror, and I hate getting dressed.
Basically, if you've been nice enough to read all of this, thank you. And I guess I'm looking for a friend who will hear me out and understand what I'm going through without telling me lies like "no, you're not fat!" just to appease me and make me shut up.

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[440]
Jan 29

I have struggled with my weight all my life. So tired of it. I so envy people who never had food issues. Its crazy that the very thing we need to survive, we fight everyday. I am obsessed with not gaining weight, and like you, i see the slow creep over the years. Its like holding back the tide. I have already cut carbs and sugar, i count calories, i exercise. I dont do anything crazy, i just try to eat healthy and in moderation and still its a constant struggle because food is on my mind all day. What im eating, how much i get to eat, what i cant eat. Its more of a mental problem at this point. I just wish it wasnt such a looming issue everyday. Theres never been a day in my life I haven’t dealt with food. When i read your story about gaining 50 pounds i know how easy that can happen over time. I get so discouraged when i feel like im doing everything right and the best i can and it still creeps up. Yet i know i cant possibly give up because it can actually get worse than how i feel today. And this has nothing to do with society or culture. This is how i feel within me, about me. I want to feel healthy and good about myself. I want to fit in my clothes. I want to feel self-confident and have good self-esteem. When i gain weight i dont feel any of that. So another day, of another obsession, of another holding back the tide. Its just the way it is.

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Thank you for your response MyName. I relate to what you are saying. It's really sad how this struggle to stop gaining weight takes joy from our lives, restricting us and affecting our self esteem. I completely understand when you say it's a "looming issue."

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[110]
Feb 20

Your first paragraph pretty much summed up my life. From the time I was a teenager I believed I was fat, even though I was underweight until eventually I actually became fat... like it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just goes to show the power of our beliefs and self-talk. So sad to think about all the years I lost like that, when I should've been happy & satisfied.

It's fine to not like exercising. There's nothing wrong with that. Just don't wait until you feel like it, take more romantic walks with your guy, play a sport together. And don't for a second feel like you don't deserve him; he wouldn't be with you if he thought that, so you shouldn't either.

Be strong and push through... unleash your inner supermodel once again ;)
You can do it! xx

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