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*Trigger warning* You may need to read the previous post to

_DepressedRose_'s picture
[445]

*Trigger warning*
You may need to read the previous post to understand this one. Okay so the guy that raped me my first time having sex during our relationship. He went around and told everyone in our friend group throughout the entirety of my senior year in high school that it was easy to get inside my pants whilst his girlfriend also went around and told everyone that I'm a s.l.u.t. Because of that, I reduced my time physically being at school two about only 3-4 hours since I only had two required credits left and I worked right after I left school around 1pm everyday to about 8pm-ish. Because of this active and busy day I had from mostly working, it made it easier to forget the bad stuff that happened to me along him raping me during my first time. Also, I quit a program at my school where our friend groups were also in because I believed everyone thought I was also a s.l.u.t. Later on, I had a best friend I knew for about 3-4 years and I actually adored him as a best friend, nothing more and I had sex with him. Prior to this, however, he was the only person I ever talked to about what happened ( the rape) and he said, " why would even bring this up? It's been months" which became the sole reason why I never told anyone else in my current daily life that event because like him, I believed everyone else would think I'm stupid. Likewise, turns out that best friend used me for sex as well and later on told me that he didn't want to be friends anymore. Then recently, since us seniors have graduated, another guy friend I knew for years wanted to catch up and I agreed though I knew he always had a crush on me. I told him I didn't and still don't think of him like that. He then kept telling me after I said I was uncomfortable with any physical activity, that we wouldn't be able to "refrain" himself from kissing me and then got mad, saying he just wanted to be with me to "relieve stress", meaning he just wanted to use me to relieve stress. Because of this, I believe everyone just thinks of me as a s.l.u.t and worthless and as trash. I don't know what I did to deserve any of this to be honest and because of the virus, I quit my job out of paranoia and that now leaves me 24/7 to think about what everyone thinks of me which is clearly a s.l.u.t and someone to just use. Also, I am now scared to talk to everyone I know and everyone I don't know, men and women. I won't even let my aunt I've lived with for years who took custody of me to even touch me or hug me. I deleted nearly everyone I know on social media and the people I haven't deleted, I rarely respond. Some days, I think about self harm and suicide honestly. I just don't know what I did to deserve any of this. It seems like no matter how much I avoid everyone, work, study or whatever, this just always comes back to me even after I got into my dream college.

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_DepressedRose_'s picture
[445]
May 23

@Llg176 I'm sorry about that. I sent a support request to you so I can PM u

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[1220]
May 24

@_DepressedRose_ what happened to you wasn't your fault, it's no women's fault and you didn't deserve what happened to you, you are not responsible for other people's actions you have a right to assume that you will be safe especially around people you think are your friends, the "best friend" that said why would you ever bring that up doesn't sound like someone that you need in your life, you deserve better, pleased don't take this the wrong way, I am definitely not blaming you for what happened but maybe something can be learned from this maybe you should take some time to really think about the friends you have had in the past, and what you need from a friend in the future, and think about what your past friends have valued, think about the things they said what they believed in what they valued how they interacted with others how they treated others and how they treated you ( which doesn't sound like they treat you very well) you might gain some insight about yourself and others so you can pick better friends for yourself in the future, and avoid making the same mistakes in the future, more importantly you want be a victim again in the future. As for the"friends" you lost in through all this they were not really friends too begin with, real friends are supposed to be there through thick and thin no matter what, you deserve better friends then that, there are good people out there you can make friends with, I mean just look here every one on here is your friend we all want the best for you. Now I know what your aunt is trying to say, I too am a little skeptical of the me too movement, not all the claims but sum of them are a little questionable, I wonder how much of it is for awareness and justice and healing, and how much of it is for political financial gain and fame but there's a big difference between the everyday would and people and the Hollywood world and people so I think your aunt is wrong. Don't be afraid to talk to someone one about what happened to you if you can talk to a professional, and it sounds like you do/would like to talk to someone about this please find the help you need, you need to move past this the right way, so you can have your life back because that's what you deserve you need to do that for yourself and no one else, the people/friends that you said would be happy if you died maybe they would if that's the case then the hell with them but there are people who's lives wouldn't be the same if you weren't there there are people who need you and love you. Just hang in there I know it's not easy just take it day by day, i'm rooting for you.

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[1220]
May 24

@TT86 you won't be a victim again****

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