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I have been married 18 years. I have caught my husband cheat

I have been married 18 years. I have caught my husband cheating. He ended it at that time. The requests I have made to help me trust him again. He hasn’t really done. I caught him approximately 8 years ago. I have tried so hard to trust him. Recently I have caught him with a lot of porn on his phone. He and a friend have been sharing porn. He has made comments about the women in the porn photos. I have tried talking to him about it. He has basically said that he likes the porn and he won’t stop with it. He also said he’s into other women like that. I am so devastated.

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[1190]
Jan 14

I think that we, sometimes have a different perspective than women. Where a man might see some innocent flirting with a waitress or (whomever it may be) as friendly and outgoing it's perceived differently to women. He may think because it's just an emotional thing that it doesn't matter. Someone fairly recently told me something that really resonated with me "if it's important to your spouse it doesn't matter how silly it may seem it needs to be important to you." If it hurts your feelings it's doesn't matter how small or insignificant may seem, you can't help how something makes you feel. It seems he may need something drastic to "open his eyes" if you will. Perhaps some time for a separation to appreciate what he has?

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[4475]
Jan 14

@Hi, Im very sorry you are having to go through this and Im sorry for all the hurt and pain you must be feeling. I have numerous, awful problems with my husband, there has been an element of interaction with other men which may involve porn sharing in my husbands secret life on the internet, he hid the whole thing, I’m not allowed to know anything, he wont admit anything, Ive had to try to find out what I can but after I mistakenly confronted him he has restricted everything. He was using messenger etc too. Extra email accounts. You name it hed done it and I had no idea. I cant go out anywhere (and I do mean anywhere) with him after he started constantly looking at younger women, I found he had 100s of people (mostly attractive women) I didnt even know existed as secret Facebook friends and I saw an element of porn like pictures and jokes about women shared and liked between the males of these so called friends. He took and posted hundreds of photos secretly taken and posted of our pets etc etc. Not one mention or picture of me. Selfies taken in the car and posed with our dog. It has taken me two years to semi recover from the shocks and goodness knows what hes done in private groups hes joined and conversations. Im just saying this to tell you that you need to take time. Dont let on what you know yet. He may be an addict and addictions need specialist help. He may be a narcissist. Mine is a narcissist. Try to figure out what you want calmly. Think cleverly. He holds the power cards so you must redress the balance. Think carefully and dont rush it. I do wish you well for the future.

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[3375]
Jan 15

I understand how you feel and I am very sorry you are going through this. I have been in your shoes. There are no easy answers. I pray you will have the strength to hold him accountable and create boundaries in your marriage with consequences that you will have the courage to enforce.

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