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So I'm still here... haven't posted in a long while. I hone

[205]

So I'm still here... haven't posted in a long while. I honestly think it was back in July. I thank God for you all and being willing to share your stories and ups and downs. It sincerely has helped me to not feel alone and also to cope and be stronger every day. often I read thru all of what is going on with everyone here so I can sleep and know it's not just my world. Thank you for everyone sharing so deeply with each other. So my husband & I will be separated 2 years end of this month. Although I'm much better and functioning in a better way, I've spent the better part of all this time trying very hard to extend the olive branch and do all I can to reconcile us. Nothing to show for it really except that we are co-parenting as well as possible mostly because I've been very passive. Husband is very controlling when he doesn't get his way. I got us to marriage counsel in July for two sessions but he was clear he was there only because we have four children together. He was not interested in doing any "work" around us. Was concerned only that I would sway our children from him. (he's doing that on his own without my help! lol) I found out end of September that he was seeing someone else and started an affair. He said we'd been separated long enough he felt it was fine for him to start enjoying another relationship and suggested I did too. I have not moved on, and won't till after a divorce is official... in my head you need to heal from one relationship otherwise you risk bringing your dirty laundry into the next. Never mind, for me I'm still in a great amount of pain as I was not the one to leave. Anyhow, I thought knowing he was screwing around with another would be a last straw for me..... but oddly, I just saw it as a sad pathetic move for him to try and feel better about what he's done. My kids want dad to come home very much. He is still on the divorce path... of course it's complicated because we have a family business. Karma, waltzed in this FALL and knocked one piece of the business pretty hard so a financial setback happened which pushed off the divorce in his eyes by a little bit. He's fuming. I see it as more time to keep working on myself in hopes he remembers all we have, 25 year marriage, four kids, and a lot we've built together. Can a light bulb go off in his head still or am I just being an absolute fool? He's not behaved in any way that I would have ever imagined him to. I'm mad a me for holding on in some regards, but it's what my heart is insisting me to do. I read books on couples who've overcome the unthinkable, I don't believe we were a mistake... he's having a mid life whatever and I'm still standing for us? Everytime I reach out I get some sort of "This is over" statement from him, yet I know who the man was that I fell in love with... it wasn't this shell of a person at all. I'm exhausted. I've given two years to help kids thru all this, he's selfish, he's now cheating... WHY can't I stop trying? I've given so SO much to this person and now I'm like...so yesterday. Nevermind, I'm smart, loyal, faithful, average beauty, confident and loved by many ... yet the one I've loved the most has devastated me!! I know it's time for light in my life again, but ... such a crush spirit... and this is only year 2 in. The book I read "I do again", it took this couple seven years to rekindle after all the anger and resentments that flew around for them. You wonder really, can it really happen? I've never met anyone of those marriages. I mean, God can do anything and the impossible. but I'm trying to sift between reality and what I think God wants me to stand for? hurting... any words for me this weekend ??? I'm grateful to this group. The idea of starting over is simply devastating to me.

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[21265]
Nov 9

Sounds like a horrible painful place to be. Two years is not a long time in terms of recovering from the pain, especially considering that you are not divorced, so the wound is always re-opened. Sounds like you are simultaneously in love with him and not in love with him. May I ask you something? You write that you were married for 25 years. How many years was he a loving husband and father? Although he is cheating on you and showing no interest in re-connecting with them, how is he around about the kids? Is he being loving towards them? My condolences to you - this sounds like such a painful thing to be going through.

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[3275]
Nov 9

I am same way hoping the lightbulb will come on. But I'm too old to waste years waiting around for something that appears unlikely to happen. So I'm trying to move on without him. I am divorcing my husband but have offered reconciliation many times and have told him I still love and miss him. But I won't take him back unless he is willing to do the hard work to earn me back and prove he is sincere. And also get tested for every VD there is. Though hpv cannot be tested in men, they can spread it to women and women can end up with cervical cancer because of it, so you may end up with that if you take him back, if you don't already have it. In the meantime if I find a better man then good for me. My husband has had plenty of opportunity to try to turn this around and he has made no effort. Two years is plenty of time to make a decison. This Tuesday will be 2 years from the time he confessed to me the stuff he had been hiding. I doubt it will even register in his mind. He has moved on.

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