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I have anorexia and bulimia. Sounds crazy and it is. It’s

[20]

I have anorexia and bulimia. Sounds crazy and it is. It’s either starving myself because I don’t deserve food or binging and purging to make myself feel what I can’t have. A full stomach. It’s more difficult than anyone realizes and I’ve. Never gotten the right treatment or help mostly because my family just can’t afford it. I was admitted to a hospital once only to be told there’s nothing wrong with me and sent home after a week. As I’m writing this I’m trying to eat but I’m having a really hard time especially because about an hour ago me and my boyfriend got into an argument over something really stupid but I started crying we got subway however after the fight I didn’t feel like eating. I’m a problem I don’t deserve food. So I got in the shower as I was trying to do that he made some comments he told me to eat. I said I didn’t feel like it and just wanted to shower. He then went on to say “yeah that’s your answer for everything. I’m upset so why don’t I just starve myself” I think he said something along the lines of another emotion and starving myself but I didn’t hear because I had tuned him out. I was so hurt. And of course it made me not want to eat even more. He just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t get how many times I’ve begged some man in the sky I’m not even sure I believe in to take it away. Just please take it all away. It’s a constant war and it’s extremely draining. He loves me he really does and I love him more than anything he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. No one around me does except for the girl who used to help me well we helped each other but not in the way you think. We helped each other set calorie goals when one wanted to eat the other gave a reason not too. We even binged and purged together. I just really want this to go away but I know it’s never going to it’s just really hard seeing your favorite foods and only thinking about how many calories are in it...

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[1325]
Oct 10

It's not crazy to have both anorexia and bulimia or any other combination of eating disorders all at the same time. It all has to do with what you can control whether it's something you want or not. I love the advice of both Scat and Lex415 regarding journaling. Going a step further with Scat's advice of asking yourself those questions she would ask herself whenever she thought she needed food. Whether it's stress related or some other emotional situation that you feel is out of your control triggers the eating process that we imagine is in our control.
As far as affording therapy or professional help. It might take some work but there are many therapists who provide a sliding scale payment based on ability to pay. You may also check with your local community services, local hospital, even your local library to see if they have any type of eating disorder support groups that you can join.
I love that when Scat would realized it wasn't food she was craving but something she was stressed about she would pray about that instead of eating. You mentioned the "some man in the sky" that you keep asking to take this away from you. It seems as though when you marry the "prayer" with the real underlying problem you just might truly find God who has the power to rescue us all.

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[263720]
Oct 10

@backtonormal, yes, I admit, the journaling wasn't my idea. I borrowed it from other party on this site. Perhaps it was Lex415. I didn't mean to steal the concept, and never used it myself. My journaling was a bad experience because I journaled calories and that's how this all started for me, the eating disorders, dieting and calorie counting. But I do think finding the pattern through journaling was an excellent suggestion others made on this site.

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[990]
Oct 11

Lex415, I am sorry that you are going thru this difficult time. You are not alone. I can see how much you care about your boyfriend. Have you tried to go to support groups and talk to a therapist? there is hope for overcoming it. Maybe you can find enough courage to call this supportive hotline # 1-800-931-2237 or if you wish not to talk over the phone, you can text "NEDA" to 741741. Everything is confidential. Hugs of encouragement and support. believe in yourself. :)

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