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So I was thinking about this paragraph in this book. I thoug

Blueberries1234's picture
[32940]

So I was thinking about this paragraph in this book. I thought about why I have issues with pornography and a fear of cheating by my partner, and why they are linked in my mind. I think it's because as a kid, my dad used to watch pornographic things in front of me. He wouldnt be touching himself but still. I remember being disturbed by scenes of women topless and men selecting them etc. Idk it's all mixed up. My brain has wiped out the specific images but I know how I felt. He constantly cheated on my mother as well. I believe a female babysitter I had was one of these other women. She also made me touch her breasts as a toddler, althougj maybe thats a made up dream? I dont think so but maybe. Maybe implanted memory. Idk. Anyways it's weird but I have this gut reaction to men objectifying women and wat hing pornography or looking at women. I think in my mind I automaticaally put these men into categories as "bad for me". I have a fear reaction. I also am too afraid of being objectofied to enjoy sex. I objectify myself. I dont know if sex can have emotions. kissing cuddling etc can, but not sure sex can. My ex was probably a narc and I never felt loved by him or loved him. I dont know I think I touched and acted like I loved him, but I wasnt in love with him. I was going through the motions and felt no actual emotional connection. The new bf I do feel a connection, but it's still too soon to feel emotions during sex. Theres no actual trust established so things just feel mechanical. still a little like strangers. But it still feels more human than with my ex whom I was woth for FIVE years. But still felt like my body was a tool for the gratificatoon of anothwr person. is this a society thing?

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NowImNarcFree's picture
[24180]
Nov 9

Thanks for sharing, blueberries. The sexual abuse is hard. My ex always used porn "discreetly" until the last few months when he really became addicted and saying sex or masturbating was "the only thing that made him happy." He subscribed to a paid porn streaming service and would lock me out of the bedroom for long periods of time unless I was willing to "help him." He began pushing me a lot sexually and got me to watch porn with him, which I had never done before. I felt that it was so objectifying and completely not...sexy at all to me.
I was with him for 12 years and he is the ONLY person I've been with, so I have really wanted to work out my issues and find a way to be healthy sexually. I usually felt objectified, especially at the end when he would order me around during sex and there was absolutely no room for a "no" from me. He would give "compliments" about my body that I did not feel were compliments, they were not flattering, and insist on calling me pet names I didn't like. Other times he called me beautiful but it still always felt like it was somehow about him, and I didn't even need to be there inside of my body. After so much time of that, I do think I objectified myself during sex too. I felt inadequate and ugly and insecure and like being "used" was the best I could have. Other times, earlier in the marriage, the sex and affection seemed more loving and emotional but I realize now that it was an act. My emotions were real, but he was only manipulating me.

As far as the future... I think it will be easy for me to be triggered, and I have to pay attention to how I feel about things. If I feel uncomfortable around something because of the memories attached to it, that is okay. I need to stop telling myself to deny the way I feel. I want a partner that is attentive and cares about how I feel, and does not push me. My feelings were so stifled with my ex that I felt like some kind of sex robot. It's important to me that with anyone new I always feel present and whole, and that sex is wanted by me and not just agreed on. To me, sex has to have more of an emotional connection for it to be enjoyable, otherwise it just feels like masturbation. And I have to be respected and treated like a whole person. I think it's something both of us will have to consciously work on after the trauma in our past. I'm just hoping with each relationship it will get better and easier, even if it won't all go away at first.

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[93465]
Nov 9

@NowImNarcFree
Great post!

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Blueberries1234's picture
[32940]
Nov 10

@NowImNarcFree That was hard to read but really helpful. Just so many strange buried emotions associated with seemingly insignificant events. You're a really strong person. I feel like you had a worse experience than me regarding sex, but I can relate to feeling like a sex robot. It was very much about what people want, and it's my job to help them have what they want and not get in the way of that. Upsetting. "Being used was the best I could have"... relateable. I'm sorry you went through those awful things. They really do strip away your humanity as a PERSON. To feel invisible. Idk I'm still dealing with it too. Like you said, the emotions come up from random triggers, going back who knows how far into the past.

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